Introduction
In the art of war, Sun Tzu famously said ‘Know thyself and know thy enemy’
To win the ‘war’ on stress, it makes sense to appreciate what it is and what is it not, and how to harness it to our advantage
With that, I wrote this comprehensive guide to simplify stress, to help you ‘know thy enemy’, and even turn it into an ally. It is applicable to educators, parent or any student and individual looking to develop a better relationship with stress.
Enjoy!
What is Stress Really?
Stress, in most basic terms, is our body’s reaction to an what we perceive to be a threat in our environment (a stressor). It involves a ‘stress response’, where hormones are activated that cause physical and chemical changes in our bodies.
Once the perceived threat is gone, our body goes back to its original state. Yet, with chronic or prolonged stress, the constant activation can pose serious dangers to the body – exhaustion, burn out, or stress related disorders like anxiety or depression.
This is why we MUST take the treatment of stress with intention
Is all Stress Bad? (Eustress VS Distress)
That said, stress isn’t always bad. In fact, just as how there is no resilience without failure, there is no adaptation without stress.
As seen from research below, ‘Healthy’ Stress or Eustress can help us be creative and perform at optimal levels
However, beyond a certain point/line, eustress turns into distress
That point or line is where we must find ourselves, or help our students/children gain awareness to find.
Stress Simplified
How do perceived threats come about?
Taking away obvious physical threats, most of our other stressors can be simplified from this diagram below
Essentially, stress (or creative tension) is caused by the gap between where we are now (our current reality) VS where we want to go (our expectations)
I interviewed a psychologist once and he posed me a good analogy to illustrate this.
He said: “If I were to give you a rubber band, and tell you: the one who stretches it the longest will win a big prize. However, if it snaps, you’re out of the game. What would you do?
I said “I’ll stretch it to the limit till I feel it breaking”
He replied “But how would you know?”
That’s exactly what we must be mindful of. In society, we give youth rubber bands. Yet, the skills and self-awareness to control the rubber hand is not always emphasized. With added ‘prizes’ (expectations), students might stretch it to compete, sometimes till it breaks.
What’s the solution then?
It helps to share with them the analogy, and raise their self-awareness and intention to find that line between eustress and distress.
After that, applying it logically, how do we decrease the tension (stress) on the rubber band?
There are two ways: we either:
1. Move towards the expectations
2. Drop /Remove the expectations
Here are some ways to do it
1. Mindsets/Actions to Move Towards Expectations
a. Scheduling and Planning
Stress is higher when deadlines draw near. Hence, a simple yet overlooked solution is to space out or schedule revision/study or work.
There are multiple principles on this, but I’ll share the most relevant ones:
1) Planning ‘horizontally and vertically’. This refers to listing out our core priorities (horizontals) and then writing out specific tasks that needs to be done within the priority (verticals)
For example, for students, horizontals are specific subjects, CCA and exercise/family time.
For self-employed, horizontals could be different functions in the business you have to handle
b. ‘CEO’ Hour or Weekly planning
Once a) is done, the next step is to schedule in specific tasks into time slots throughout the week.
Minor tweaks can be the night before, but planning in advance helps ease stress of deciding what to do, or miss out on important work.
Within this principle, ‘batching’ can be considered, which involves using certain days or timings for a specific ‘horizontal’ (priority/subject).
For myself, mornings are handling operations, afternoons are sales/marketing, and nights are for coaching/staff related matters.
If you’re a student, you can set certain timings or days for specific subjects.
Batching allows compounding to take place, making work more effective VS having to switch tasks, which requires more energy.
c. Prioritizing Effective Rest Time
Finally, to sustain yourself and prevent burn out, it is CRUCIAL to schedule in break or buffer time.
Your body is a system, and it will beak down if you don’t maintain it or give it time to recharge.
For those that find it hard to take breaks, reframe it as a way to get more done in a longer time. I’ve found that when I begin to schedule in breathing/nature breaks or time with family, it also gives added inspiration and focus when you get back to work.
Schedule meaningful breaks by putting it in your calender, instead of saying ‘Ill take a break when I need to’. Usually, that never comes, or in my case, my body “forces” me to rest at random times. This makes work ineffective and sometimes dangerous (when I’m driving especially)
Resources & Planners
To help with the above, here are two templates (both physical and online ones) you may use or share with youth you coach. The guidelines are inside too. Adapt it to your context! (Click on them)
For Adults/Self Employed
For Students (online)
For Students (physical)
I also recommend reading ‘Eat that Frog’ by Brain Tracy or watch content/tips on purposeful productivity!
2. Resilience towards your goals
The second mindset/skillset to manage stress and move towards expectations is RESILIENCE.
Resilience is how fast and how strong we bounce back or adapt to failure/setback.
In other words, resilience allows more to be done in less time, and also make us do smarter/wiser work.
Here are 3(Re)silience messages we share in our programmes
a.Reframe Perspective
To Reframe Perspective is to view things from a different angle.
Specifically, we must rewire our beliefs around failure. It is not the stressor itself that causes stress, but rather our beliefs towards it
Yet, according to a recent global study on the growth mindset, Singaporean students ranked highest among 77 countries on the question ‘When I am failing, I fear for my future’
To change this, a good start would be raising awareness to the explanatory styles, as researched by Dr Martin Seligman. In analyzing thousands of people’s resiliency to stressors, he found that more resilient individuals had specific beliefs around failure, which guided their response. He labelled it learned optimism and learned helplessness
When we coach youth to see failure as specific, neutral and opportunistic, it is easier to learn lessons from it and bounce back stronger.
Let’s also be mindful not to condition a mindset of personalization, permeance and pervasiveness, but rather one of growth and learned optimism
For a full article on developing a growth mindset, click here
“We dont’ see things as they are, we see things as we are ”
b.Reclaim control
The second resilience factor is one of control. An analogy of the 2 arrows illustrates it perfectly.
In life, the first arrow is shot by our ‘enemy’: someone said something hurtful, a failure, something you wanted badly but didn’t get
The second arrow is our beliefs and thoughts about the first arrow: “Ah I don’t deserve to be shot…I worked so hard…but still failed…I will never improve.’
The first arrow only happens once. The second arrow happens as many times as we imagine / repeat in our minds.
Hence, most of the damage is done in the second arrow.
In life, we can’t always control the first arrow.
But we can reclaim control and focus on the second arrow.
How?
A simple framework to use is the PTCA one as listed below.
We react often, instead of responding.
To respond, we must learn to pause. It is important to train’s one ability and skillset to pause on purpose, to reset our stress reaction, think clearly and make rational decisions. This is lacking in students, which also explains why distress is a common challenge.
Some ways of pausing include taking a walk in nature, deep breathing, mindfulness, watching a show, etc.
Click here for a full article on 10 ways we can pause and teach our youth to do so.
“We can’t control the wind, but we can direct the sail ”
c.Request Support
The first 2 resilience messages were internal factors, yet having external support is also key
When seeking support, here are some things you should consider:
-Someone able to listen with empathy, not judge and hold space for you
-Similar values/goals and on the similar career paths
-A mentor/coach who is a similar field by more experienced
-Be mindful of gender. When support is sought from someone with other motives, it could get messy.
-Consider professional sources for more challenging trauma. For example, school counsellors and therapists. Check this article here written by a friend on myths about professional help.
-Seek support from a few sources. Don’t make someone your entire world. Even if you’re in a relationship, it helps to have people outside you can seek advice from.
“Asking for help is not a sign of giving up,
its refusing to give up ”
Mindsets to Eradicate/Let Go of Expectations
Do you know someone whom no matter how much they work and study, still face distress? Or fear that they’re not good enough?
Going back to the rubber band analogy, to reduce stress, aside from moving towards expectations, we also need to learn to let go of unrealistic ones. If not, the rubber band will be constantly be stretched to infinity.
By unrealistic expectations, I don’t mean aspirations. Many a times, out of insecurity and judgement, people classify your aspirations as “unrealistic expectations”. By unrealistic expectations, we’re referring to certain ideals that cannot be attained. Trying to attain what cannot be attained is a source of an infinite stress and suffering.
Here are 4 main unrealistic expectations we need to give up on or help youth be aware of. They are:
a. The need for perfection
A need with perfection is unhealthy as it’s an ideal that’ll never be met. It’s ok to strive for excellence, but not perfection. When youth believe their self-worth is tied to a “perfect’ outcomes, they will constantly feel a sense of lack, that “I am not good enough”
b. The need to please everyone and be well-liked
In a social media age, we are conditioned to seek validation and be well-liked. Youth apply filters and spend time thinking of captions to impress acquaintances and strangers. Its key to help youth use social media for education, not just validation. And help them realise that its impossible to please everyone. To try to do so is a sure way of feeling stress and anxiety.
c. The need for control over events and people
Especially for those in leadership positions and crave control, it is unrealistic to expect that everyone will act the way you want them to. They have different values, beliefs and personalities. That’s not to say that you don’t set standards. It’s good to have standards, but always leave room for some mistakes, surrender your need for compete control, and practice empathy and graciousness when coaching others
d. Borrowed or imposed expectations.
One of the greatest causes of stress is taking on the burden of borrowed expectations. We take others’ values/expectations and inject it into ourselves; we live up to others’ expectations, instead of being authentic to our own.
Borrowed or imposed expectations usually come from family, society and culture. Being aware of these ideals and addressing them maturely is crucial in living an authentic and fulfilling life.
This is a difficult topic to talk about, because parents/educators often mean the best. However, this may lead to suppression and build-up of frustration and even resentment in youth.
If you’re an educator, having conversations with your students and mediating with their parents could be helpful. If you’re a parent, be mindful of the subconsciously unrealistic expectations you might be placing, and take time to understand your kids
If you’re a student/young adult reading this and feel burdened by your parents/employers expectations, it’s important to address it maturely.
Always seek first to understand before being understood. Practice empathy and hear the other party out – why do they feel this way? When they feel your sincerity, they will be more open to hear your opinions and make changes.
Conclusion
Ending off with a saying i really like:
“Pressure is a priviledge”.
I hope this article gives insights and tips to help us reframe the way we view stress, improve your relationship with it and coach our youth to do so too!