5 ways to build Connection with Gen Zs

Many Communicate, Few Connect

What is connection? And WHY? 

“Many communicate, few connect” - John Maxwell.

To communicate is to educate minds, and to connect is to touch hearts.

To connect is to relate or touch someone in a way that increases your influence with them.

As the saying goes: ‘Rules without relationship leads to rebellion’. Similarly, connection comes before correction and coaching

This is why as educators, it is crucial to be able to connect with students on a deeper level.

Yet, in today’s age, kids are complicated haha. Social media and trends may facilitate adoption on ideologies (without full understanding of context) and become bias to authority.

Hence, connection becomes all the more apparent. Here are 5 ways we can connect with students

1.Highlight otherwise unnoticed details, show genuine interest, and illuminate it

I learnt this from an entrepreneur running bars around the world. He was doing a workshop on charisma. Interestingly, he pointed out that charisma doesn’t just stem from being eloquent and suave, it comes from knowing how to instill a sense of delight in others; It doesn’t just come from impressing others, but being impressed by others. How?

He then pointed out that one of the quickest and more effective ways to build connection is to observe otherwise unnoticed details/choices people make, and highlight it to them. In a bar setting, it could be a choice of watch, eyeshadow or certain fashion pieces. Why is this effective? Because people take mental energy and intentional effort in making choices. Those choices are an extension of themselves and their values. As such, by validating and illuminating those choices, you instill a deep sense of delight in them.

Applied to a classroom context, I often notice small choices/behaviours and emphasize them. First, I try to ‘catch students doing good, and not just bad’. This could mean complimenting specific behaviours publicly- like taking initiative in group activities. Secondly, I also illuminate choices privately. For example, Gshock watches are common on students’ wrists. When I notice a student wearing one, I’ll make a point to compliment and ask about it. At the very least, it’s a personal choice they made. At the very most, it’s a precious gift from their parents or bought with their own money their hard work. Beyond this, I speak good about the GShock being one of the hardiest watches in the world –initially conceived by a Japanese watchmaker through a 10-10-10 principle; 10m water resistance, 10 hour battery life and survive a 10m drop. Sharing such information with kids also help them appreciate their item more and ultimately form an instant connection with me.

So do try this technique yourself! Start by being more genuinely interested into otherwise unnoticed details! (Genuine interest is key! Otherwise the other party may see it as flattery and it’ll serve an opposing effect)

2. Acknowledging Gen Z slang and youth speak  

Familiarity breeds connection. Though you don’t need to be a master at Gen Z speak, it’s helpful to know some commonly used slang. It shows a genuine interest in your desire to connect. Some examples include ‘No Cap’ to mean ‘not lying’ or ‘Facts’ to emphasize that something is true.

Click here for a more detailed summary of common slang

Asking students to teach you could be one way of connection. After which, using it while teaching or in conversation allows you to relate and connect better!

3. Create a unique experience by going the extra mile 

Connection isn’t just forged on quantity, but quality. And a quality interaction is going the extra mile for someone.

A literal example comes form an ultramarathon runner I interviewed. He finished a 10km race on clutches with a 10kg tyre tied to him. I asked him why he did it. At the finish line, he showed me a picture of the audience gathering. They were all cheering him on in awe. He then told me “For those people, this memory will inspire them for as long as they can remember. And the greatest real estate you can own is in the corner of someone’s mind”.

In the same way, going the extra mile creates real estate in students’ minds! This could be just a genuine compliment on students’ outer appearance or inner character, or it could mean writing a note to encourage a student going through a tough time. Whatever form that takes you, be creative with it. An extra tip would be to personalize the experience to that individual.

4. Empathy! Empathy drives connection

  
Take time to watch the video above. From the video, we know that empathy drives connection. Empathy embodied consists of 3 parts

1. Perspective taking 2. Staying out judgement and 3. Recognizing and Reflecting Emotion.

When listening to students’ concerns, its key to take their perspective cognitively and stay out of judgement, both verbally and non-verbally. Lastly, also affectively (emotionally) recognize and reflect that emotion. For example, after listening, you could say “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated or (insert emotion you recognize). Before I share anything, I want to say I’m so glad you told me”

I like to visualize empathy as a protective wrapping around two people when they share an intimate conversation. If you hold space and empathize well, that bubble thickens and protects, comforts and empowers. If you don’t, it grows thinner till it pops, and the other party leaves feeling vulnerable, judged and disempowered.

5. Vulnerability

Finally and most importantly, vulnerability.

Studies in interpersonal relationships reveal that the greater the level of personal disclosure, the closer the relationship.

Brene Brown, a researcher that studies vulnerability for decades reveals research that states that those who struggle for vulnerability and connection feel ashamed in some aspects- they feel that they’re not good enough, and hence avoid being vulnerable. Whereas those that connect better simply saw vulnerability as necessary. You can watch/read her full ted talk here.

How do we apply it in classrooms? Essentially, vulnerability breeds vulnerability. Consider using teaching moments to share stories of failure and overcoming, or more personal incidents in your life. When you’re willing to be vulnerable to students, you’re sending a signal that 1. It’s not shameful to share vulnerable parts of yourself and 2. You give students the courage and license to be vulnerable.

In doing so, this facilitates a CULTURE of vulnerability and openness in classes, which facilitates deep connection with students and within students.

Conclusion

Hope these 5 tips serve as practical useful tips to build deeper connections with your students. Lets’ continue to educate the hearts and minds of your next generation!  

Title: 5 Ways To Nurture A Culture of Resiliency and Well-Being In The New School Year!

Happy New (School) Year! A new year brings new possibilities and challenges.

In a recent speech, Minister Chan Chun Sing highlighted the 7 shifts in education we must strive to achieve. In it, he referenced the importance of sensemaking, multiple modes of teaching and socio-emotional and mental resilience foundations.

Drawing on his speech and my experiences, I’d like to share 5 suggestions that will nurture a shift to a culture of resiliency and well-being 

1. Context, Together With Content.

Minister Chan highlighted that youth are bombarded with information, much of it mature and unfiltered content (Tik Tok for e.g).  This presents two major challenges:  1) Stress or trauma from comparison or bullying; and 2) Being exposed to and adopting ideologies wholesale without accounting for the bigger picture.

As such, what works for us is strongly emphasizing the distinction between context and content. We deep dive in helping students understand themselves and the ‘WHY’ first, before the ‘WHAT’ and the “HOW’. In a wider CCE context, programmes may be designed with an ‘inside-out’ approach, where students are engaged and understood, before content is shared and recommended.

2. Laying A Foundation of Trust and Empathy. 

To nurture sensemaking, empathy is necessary. Empathizing with Gen Z’s may look like this - recognizing personal bias, listening with an open mind and willingness to understand different perspectives. This is not easy to do, as youth may take on ideologies, follow trends easily, and get triggered (and use this frame against authority). As such, it may be good to help them appreciate your considerations, while understand theirs, before coming to mutual agreement or an overriding decision.

Resiliency can also be relooked at. Positive psychology and mindset training, applied wholesale, might be misconstrued as ‘toxic positivity’ by Gen Zs, and a lack of validation. Hence, applying concepts like the growth mindset or language might work best when married with first holding space and empathetic validation of students’ current mental states and health.

3. Inspiring A Culture Of Vulnerability.

What separates people with a strong sense of esteem and belonging, against those who struggle for it? Brene Brown (a renowned researcher) found the answer in one core variable – a feeling of worthiness, made possible by vulnerability.

Yet, students still indicate fear of judgement in seeking help or opening up, which leads to unhelpful numbing and suppression. To tackle this, Brown’s research shows that leaders’ modelling vulnerability is an effective catalyst. It can be done selectively, with authentic storytelling and positive outcomes. This allows students to internalize, practice and normalize vulnerability. 

In one of our programmes, we read statements of increasing disclosure. Students who identify with it walk to a line and face classmates for a brief period. The activity is silent, designed to facilitate vulnerability and empathy. After the activity, a student passed me a handwritten note. It read: “Thank you. I really enjoyed this. It made me let out all my emotions I’ve been holding in for months. I now know that my friends and teachers are here to love and support me. Thank you.”

4. Traditions & Reinforcement

Shared traditions and common language sustain mindsets and behaviour effectively. This is not new in the school environment. The challenge moving forward would be to make traditions trendy and co-created with students. As Minister Chan mentioned, different mediums could be explored (with supervision). Some examples include school social media pages, campaigns or transforming physical spaces.  It may also be helpful to work with vendors to co-create ones that are seamless and sustainable (bearing in mind teachers’ tight schedules). We are beginning to work with schools to measure resilience and wellness, engage student leaders as cultural stakeholders, and provide teachers’ toolkits and facilitation frameworks beyond one-off programmes. This helps anchor strong socio emotional and resilience foundations.

5. Media / Digital Mediums.  

Gen Zs are digital natives, and Minister Chan has encouraged usage of digital platforms to educate, engage and drive culture. For us, we produce media content and work with a mental wellness app (Kura Kura) to help students do guided journaling, reflection and peer support. Another notable effort is Safe Pod, an initiative conceptualized by Eric Chua (Senior Parl Sec), where a mental wellness van is placed in schools to engage students and destigmatize mental health. We produced a video featuring kids participating (scan the link below!) Finally, schools can consider student led pages/media initiatives to raise awareness and drive culture. While there is fair concern with social media, I believe we must take the leap of faith to guide students to harness technology for worthwhile causes. Why? When we engage students where their attention is, change is more likely and sustainable.

Conclusion

I sincerely hope these 5 pointers have given you inspiration and insights! I deeply appreciate the work you do. Let’s work hard and heartily to raise the resiliency, empathy and mental wellness of our youth  

With Love and Resilience,

Kevin Wee 

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Rebound with Resilience is a social enterprise specializing in resilience building, mental wellness and peer support skills. We also work with people with disabilities, giving them opportunities to speak in schools and inspire youth with their stories of resilience.  Since inception, we have worked with over 70 schools and served over 10,000+ students

5 Ways To Help Youth Handle Unmet Expectations (Grades)

Do Grades Matter?  

To students, grades matter. As we work hard to nurture a culture where character is emphasized and alternative paths are celebrated, grades still do constitute a big part of students’ self-esteem and mindspace. 

Hence, as students receive their EOY results, here are 5 helpful ways to coach/encourage them when they feel discouraged from unmet expectations (or even when they do meet expectations)

1. Be cautious when using the term ‘Grades don’t matter’

Students probably hear (and see) this axiom often - on social media and in person. While the statement ‘Grades Don’t Matter’ in itself holds truth and mostly said in good intentions, an overuse might lead to subconscious rejection (‘ah, that phrase again’). In fact, at key moments (especially after receiving results), grades DO matter more to students. How can it not matter? When students’ spend hours studying or tie certain meaning to grades.

A good approach then, would be to empathize first, before any coaching is done. Instead of outrightly saying ‘Grades don’t matter’, it may help to emphasis that you fully understand that ‘Grades do matter’ to them, especially give the context. This builds connection and validates their feelings. Once done, students’ may be more receptive to any advice that comes after.  

2. Apply ‘growth mindset’ principles when applying praise.

Chances are, you’ve heard of the growth mindset (if you haven’t however, click here for a detailed explanation and science behind it).

Where handing of grades is concerned, it’s a great opportunity to apply it. Be cautious about praising students for their intelligence, ability or even their standing in class. This may result in a self-esteem build around variables and outcomes (which is dangerous). Instead, consider highlighting improvements or efforts of specific students who gave their best and put it effort (regardless of their absolute grades). Being specific about the praise and the context around it (what he/she did, the difficulties and choices made) will help champion a culture of growth in class communities, where the process (and not just outcomes) are celebrated and appreciated among each other.

3. Emphasize the importance of Equanimity (you can teach students a new world too!)

The reason why failure stings is because we worship success. Through social media and societal pressures, youth are conditioned to view outcomes as the pedestal. This also explains why ‘the greater the climb, the harder the (possible) fall.’

Our perceptions and emotions are relative. This is well researched (as with how happiness levels in pay raises depends not on our absolute raise but against others’). The same applies for grades and expectations.

As such, it helps to highlight equanimity. This refers to the quality of being balanced or even minded under stress or outcomes. In the case of grades - ‘Not letting success get to your head, nor failure get to your heart’.  This helps those who did well to remain humble and grounded, and encourages those with unmet expectations to remain hopeful and included. 

4. Highlight paragons of Grit/Resilience that may relate to students

Storytelling is the most powerful and moving form of communication. Hence, highlighting local and global examples of resilience may give students inspiration and perspective to overcome academic setbacks.

Here are some examples you may consider using:

5. Coaching the Application of Resilience

Once connection is built, coaching can come in. If you’re reading this, chances are your students’ might have been through our talks or programmes. You may recap the mindset and tools given to help them work through their setback! Here’s a recap of the 3 Core (Re)silience Messages

Reframe Perspective  

Reminding students not to view failure as a personal or permanent stigma, but rather an isolated neutral event for improvement.

Tools

Reflective or expressive journalling can help with emotional catharsis and identifying areas to learn and progress 

Expressive journalling involves writing (or drawing) all thoughts and feelings on paper without judgement 

Reflective journalling involves writing down
a) What happened? (students can write both outcomes, thoughts and how they feel)
b) Why did it happen? (beliefs or actions that resulted in outcomes or feelings)
c) What can I do to improve?

For b), its important to be specific about it as students usually give brief answers like ‘didn’t study hard enough’. It helps to go deeper to help them write root reasons and identify the context and specific factors or beliefs that led to the outcomes

Reclaim Control

This refers to focusing on what you can control, not what you can’t. This refers to Responding, Not Reacting to the issue. Be mindful to use this only after connection is built and students’ feel validating. This stronger approach requires them to be a state to process and move forward.

Coach students to PAUSE, before thinking or acting. Pausing helps to reset the stress response and come back to balance. Some examples include deep breathing, watching a movie, going for a walk in nature, prayer, etc  (Click here for 10 ways you can advise them to try)

Another tool the inner and outer circle exercise. Click here for worksheet. Regarding their situation, students can write down SPECIFICIALLY what they can’t control about it and what they can control. Writing it out on paper helps being clarity and put attention on what can be controlled.

Request Support

Finally, always always remind students that in this journey, it is crucial to have a strong support system around them (friends, teachers, family, etc). While each pillar may be stronger/weaker for each individual, encourage them to build these pillars to the best of their ability.  

In line with world mental health day on the this article (10 Oct), it’s also important to openly but maturely discuss mental health with classes and/or give personal assurance that there is no shame in seeking professional help if needed

Conclusion

I hope this short article helps give some ideas to coach students.

It’s never easy being an educator or parent, and my full respect goes to you! Let’s continue to put in the hard and heart work to nurture our next generation to become people of both intellect and character  

Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all

With love and resilience,
Kevin

Rebound with Resilience is a social enterprise specializing in building resilience, mental wellness and enabling peer support culture and skills. We also work with people with disabilities, giving them opportunities to speak in schools and inspire youth with their stories of resilience. Since inception, we have worked with over 70 schools and organizations and served over 10,000+ participants. Drop us an enquiry into our talks/programmes anytime!

Stress Simplified: A Guide To Understand, Manage & Harness Stress to Our Advantage

Introduction

In the art of war, Sun Tzu famously said ‘Know thyself and know thy enemy’

To win the ‘war’ on stress, it makes sense to appreciate what it is and what is it not, and how to harness it to our advantage

With that, I wrote this comprehensive guide to simplify stress, to help you ‘know thy enemy’, and even turn it into an ally. It is applicable to educators, parent or any student and individual looking to develop a better relationship with stress.

Enjoy!  

What is Stress Really?

Stress, in most basic terms, is our body’s reaction to an what we perceive to be a threat in our environment (a stressor). It involves a ‘stress response’, where hormones are activated that cause physical and chemical changes in our bodies.

Once the perceived threat is gone, our body goes back to its original state. Yet, with chronic or prolonged stress, the constant activation can pose serious dangers to the body – exhaustion, burn out, or stress related disorders like anxiety or depression.

This is why we MUST take the treatment of stress with intention

Is all Stress Bad? (Eustress VS Distress)

That said, stress isn’t always bad. In fact, just as how there is no resilience without failure, there is no adaptation without stress.

As seen from research below, ‘Healthy’ Stress or Eustress can help us be creative and perform at optimal levels

However, beyond a certain point/line, eustress turns into distress

That point or line is where we must find ourselves, or help our students/children gain awareness to find.

Stress Simplified

How do perceived threats come about?

Taking away obvious physical threats, most of our other stressors can be simplified from this diagram below

Essentially, stress (or creative tension) is caused by the gap between where we are now (our current reality) VS where we want to go (our expectations)

I interviewed a psychologist once and he posed me a good analogy to illustrate this.

He said: “If I were to give you a rubber band, and tell you: the one who stretches it the longest will win a big prize. However, if it snaps, you’re out of the game. What would you do?

I said “I’ll stretch it to the limit till I feel it breaking”

He replied “But how would you know?”

That’s exactly what we must be mindful of. In society, we give youth rubber bands. Yet, the skills and self-awareness to control the rubber hand is not always emphasized. With added ‘prizes’ (expectations), students might stretch it to compete, sometimes till it breaks.

What’s the solution then?

It helps to share with them the analogy, and raise their self-awareness and intention to find that line between eustress and distress.

After that, applying it logically, how do we decrease the tension (stress) on the rubber band?

There are two ways: we either:
1. Move towards the expectations
2. Drop /Remove the expectations         

Here are some ways to do it

1.  Mindsets/Actions to Move Towards Expectations  

a.  Scheduling and Planning

Stress is higher when deadlines draw near. Hence, a simple yet overlooked solution is to space out or schedule revision/study or work.

There are multiple principles on this, but I’ll share the most relevant ones:

1) Planning ‘horizontally and vertically’. This refers to listing out our core priorities (horizontals) and then writing out specific tasks that needs to be done within the priority (verticals)

For example, for students, horizontals are specific subjects, CCA and exercise/family time.

For self-employed, horizontals could be different functions in the business you have to handle

b. ‘CEO’ Hour or Weekly planning

Once a) is done, the next step is to schedule in specific tasks into time slots throughout the week.

Minor tweaks can be the night before, but planning in advance helps ease stress of deciding what to do, or miss out on important work.

Within this principle, ‘batching’ can be considered, which involves using certain days or timings for a specific ‘horizontal’ (priority/subject).

For myself, mornings are handling operations, afternoons are sales/marketing, and nights are for coaching/staff related matters.

If you’re a student, you can set certain timings or days for specific subjects.

Batching allows compounding to take place, making work more effective VS having to switch tasks, which requires more energy.   

c. Prioritizing Effective Rest Time

Finally, to sustain yourself and prevent burn out, it is CRUCIAL to schedule in break or buffer time.

Your body is a system, and it will beak down if you don’t maintain it or give it time to recharge.

For those that find it hard to take breaks, reframe it as a way to get more done in a longer time. I’ve found that when I begin to schedule in breathing/nature breaks or time with family, it also gives added inspiration and focus when you get back to work.

Schedule meaningful breaks by putting it in your calender, instead of saying ‘Ill take a break when I need to’. Usually, that never comes, or in my case, my body “forces” me to rest at random times. This makes work ineffective and sometimes dangerous (when I’m driving especially)

Resources & Planners

To help with the above, here are two templates (both physical and online ones) you may use or share with youth you coach. The guidelines are inside too. Adapt it to your context! (Click on them)

For Adults/Self Employed
For Students (online)
For Students (physical)

I also recommend reading ‘Eat that Frog’ by Brain Tracy or watch content/tips on purposeful productivity!

2. Resilience towards your goals  

The second mindset/skillset to manage stress and move towards expectations is RESILIENCE.

Resilience is how fast and how strong we bounce back or adapt to failure/setback.

In other words, resilience allows more to be done in less time, and also make us do smarter/wiser work.

Here are 3(Re)silience messages we share in our programmes

a.Reframe Perspective

To Reframe Perspective is to view things from a different angle.

Specifically, we must rewire our beliefs around failure. It is not the stressor itself that causes stress, but rather our beliefs towards it

Yet, according to a recent global study on the growth mindset, Singaporean students ranked highest among 77 countries on the question ‘When I am failing, I fear for my future’

To change this, a good start would be raising awareness to the explanatory styles, as researched by Dr Martin Seligman. In analyzing thousands of people’s resiliency to stressors, he found that more resilient individuals had specific beliefs around failure, which guided their response. He labelled it learned optimism and learned helplessness

When we coach youth to see failure as specific, neutral and opportunistic, it is easier to learn lessons from it and bounce back stronger.

Let’s also be mindful not to condition a mindset of personalization, permeance and pervasiveness, but rather one of growth and learned optimism

For a full article on developing a growth mindset, click here

“We dont’ see things as they are, we see things as we are ”

— Anais nin

b.Reclaim control

The second resilience factor is one of control.  An analogy of the 2 arrows illustrates it perfectly.

In life, the first arrow is shot by our ‘enemy’: someone said something hurtful, a failure, something you wanted badly but didn’t get

The second arrow is our beliefs and thoughts about the first arrow: “Ah I don’t deserve to be shot…I worked so hard…but still failed…I will never improve.’

The first arrow only happens once. The second arrow happens as many times as we imagine / repeat in our minds.

Hence, most of the damage is done in the second arrow.

In life, we can’t always control the first arrow.

But we can reclaim control and focus on the second arrow.

How?

A simple framework to use is the PTCA one as listed below.

We react often, instead of responding.

To respond, we must learn to pause. It is important to train’s one ability and skillset to pause on purpose, to reset our stress reaction, think clearly and make rational decisions. This is lacking in students, which also explains why distress is a common challenge.

Some ways of pausing include taking a walk in nature, deep breathing, mindfulness, watching a show, etc.

Click here for a full article on 10 ways we can pause and teach our youth to do so.

“We can’t control the wind, but we can direct the sail ”

c.Request Support

The first 2 resilience messages were internal factors, yet having external support is also key

When seeking support, here are some things you should consider:

-Someone able to listen with empathy, not judge and hold space for you
-Similar values/goals and on the similar career paths
-A mentor/coach who is a similar field by more experienced
-Be mindful of gender. When support is sought from someone with other motives, it could get messy.
-Consider professional sources for more challenging trauma. For example, school counsellors and therapists. Check this article here written by a friend on myths about professional help.
-Seek support from a few sources. Don’t make someone your entire world. Even if you’re in a relationship, it helps to have people outside you can seek advice from.

“Asking for help is not a sign of giving up,
its refusing to give up ”

Mindsets to Eradicate/Let Go of Expectations  

Do you know someone whom no matter how much they work and study, still face distress? Or fear that they’re not good enough?

Going back to the rubber band analogy, to reduce stress, aside from moving towards expectations, we also need to learn to let go of unrealistic ones. If not, the rubber band will be constantly be stretched to infinity.

By unrealistic expectations, I don’t mean aspirations. Many a times, out of insecurity and judgement, people classify your aspirations as “unrealistic expectations”. By unrealistic expectations, we’re referring to certain ideals that cannot be attained. Trying to attain what cannot be attained is a source of an infinite stress and suffering.

Here are 4 main unrealistic expectations we need to give up on or help youth be aware of. They are:

a.    The need for perfection

A need with perfection is unhealthy as it’s an ideal that’ll never be met. It’s ok to strive for excellence, but not perfection. When youth believe their self-worth is tied to a “perfect’ outcomes, they will constantly feel a sense of lack, that “I am not good enough”   

b.    The need to please everyone and be well-liked 

In a social media age, we are conditioned to seek validation and be well-liked. Youth apply filters and spend time thinking of captions to impress acquaintances and strangers. Its key to help youth use social media for education, not just validation. And help them realise that its impossible to please everyone. To try to do so is a sure way of feeling stress and anxiety.

c.     The need for control over events and people

Especially for those in leadership positions and crave control, it is unrealistic to expect that everyone will act the way you want them to. They have different values, beliefs and personalities. That’s not to say that you don’t set standards. It’s good to have standards, but always leave room for some mistakes, surrender your need for compete control, and practice empathy and graciousness when coaching others

d.    Borrowed or imposed expectations.

One of the greatest causes of stress is taking on the burden of borrowed expectations. We take others’ values/expectations and inject it into ourselves; we live up to others’ expectations, instead of being authentic to our own.

Borrowed or imposed expectations usually come from family, society and culture. Being aware of these ideals and addressing them maturely is crucial in living an authentic and fulfilling life.

This is a difficult topic to talk about, because parents/educators often mean the best. However, this may lead to suppression and build-up of frustration and even resentment in youth.

If you’re an educator, having conversations with your students and mediating with their parents could be helpful. If you’re a parent, be mindful of the subconsciously unrealistic expectations you might be placing, and take time to understand your kids

If you’re a student/young adult reading this and feel burdened by your parents/employers expectations, it’s important to address it maturely.

Always seek first to understand before being understood. Practice empathy and hear the other party out – why do they feel this way?  When they feel your sincerity, they will be more open to hear your opinions and make changes.

Conclusion

Ending off with a saying i really like:

“Pressure is a priviledge”.

I hope this article gives insights and tips to help us reframe the way we view stress, improve your relationship with it and coach our youth to do so too!

Safe Spaces with Safe Pod (Suggestions for Empathy, Peer Support and Holistic Wellness in Schools & Organizations)

Wellness is a Holistic Effort

Raising the resiliency and mental wellness of schools and organizations takes a holistic effort. As such, we were overjoyed to partner with Safe Pod @ Queenstown, an initiative where a mental wellness van and befrienders are deployed in schools and communities, to raise awareness about mental health.

We produced an episode comparing thoughts on mental health between both kids and adults. We interviewed New Town Primary students on their thoughts towards Safe Pod too! Have a look below

I also hosted 3 podcast episodes – with Eric Chua (Senior Parl Sec), Kathleen (a Safe Pod Befriender) and Karen (Executive Director of Lions Befrienders). We spoke about mental health, peer support / befriending and empathy respectively.

Recently, Minister Chan Chun Sing also spoke about the 7 shifts in education, which included the importance of sensemaking, setting foundations of emotional resilience, and engaging students with different modes.

I felt these shifts were quite aligned to our efforts and lessons I learnt from Safe Pod’s partnership. Hence, I decided to provide a summary of each episode, and suggestions which school or organization leaders may take to promote a culture of well-being.

Interviews: Do Kids and Adults View Mental Health Differently?

Insights Gained

What warmed my heart most was the mature responses of the kids. Some answers they gave had more depth than adults. It revealed the value of intentional awareness and nurturing sensemaking, which New Town had an intentional focus on. In addressing taboo topics openly, reducing stigma and encouraging open conversations, kids can develop a deeper appreciation of mental health.

I also visited several schools where Safe Pod has begun operations. The reinforcement and physical outfit helps normalize importance of mental health, just as how having a dental van normalizes dental health. 

However, it must be noted that Jodi (volunteer that does the facial analysis) highlighted that students who were most in need were mostly quite afraid to seek help, and the cultural stigma is still strong.

Suggestions:

• Prepare, instead of just protecting or preventing. Sensemaking begins with helping students appreciate context and not just content; to dive deeper into ‘WHY’ and understanding their relationship with their mind and stress threshold, rather than just ‘WHAT’ and ‘HOW’ and a list of items to deal with anxiety/stress.

• Consider the transformation of physical spaces. Research does show a fascinating and compelling link between changes in physical environments and behaviour (I have a contact open to designing and co-creating murals in schools with students to champion specific messages. Some of her designs are below! If your school is possibly keen in this, do reach out!)

Ep 1: Making Mental Health in Society a Priority Ft. Eric Chua

Eric has a deep passion for people and youth. The Safe Pod van was his idea, and I had a meaningful conversation with him on societal gaps in mental health and possible solutions

He identified 3 gaps – intergenerational gap, lack of synergy in efforts and lack of deep connection with oneself and others.

Links to full podcast: Youtube / Spotify (Click)

Key Learning Points & Suggestions:

• Intergenerational Gap in perceptions of mental health exists in families and even in schools. While a stoic, headstrong approach might have worked for the previous generations, it could be labelled as ‘toxic positivity’ by Gen Zs, serving an opposing effect. Positive psychology, while powerful in theory, has to be carefully applied with an empathetic reading of the psychology of youth, and a deep understanding of their minds.  Thus, connection through trust, comes before coaching and content. Also as I shared, I don’t believe youth are strawberries, they are just resilient under different conditions, and its our responsibility to co-create those conditions.

• Lack of synergy. While much awareness has been raised, there lacks a common resource or place where everything is compiled. I believe, in time, we will have one in society. While that materializes, we can begin building ‘safe spaces’ or common resources within schools. While this will take time and buy in, it could be a worthwhile long-term investment. A suggestion could be setting up a small wellness center of sorts, with activities for connection, and tools/resources for students who need emotional support and empowerment. These can be semi student run too.

• Connection with oneself and others. We both agree that this is lacking. Broadly, we have ‘two minds’, the conqueror and the connector. The former craves competition, achievement and asks ‘What’s next?’, whereas the latter finds peace in detachment, creation and gratitude for the present. Modern society and education emphasizes greatly on the former, and neglects the latter. I believe there is satisfaction in striving and a need to compete to stay relevant as a nation. However, I also believe we are facing a crisis of context and connection. CCE efforts may look deeper into what it means to connect with oneself and others, and how we can do so.

Ep 2: Empathy 101 (What, How and Barriers) Ft. Karen Wee

Karen has decades of experiences volunteering and working in social service, and her experiences leading Lion Befrienders put her in a great position to give good insights on empathy 

Links to full podcast: Youtube/Spotify (Click)

Insights and Suggestions

• Empathy is being able to cognitively and emotionally connect with someone. It’s simply to be able to recognize and reflect emotion

• Barriers of empathy include bias, conditioning and identity. I brought up the BRAVE identity model, which stands for Beliefs, Rituals/Religion, Allegiances, Values and Emotional Experiences.  When either of these aspects of identity is challenged, we feel threatened and triggers a deep-rooted emotional reaction. A way to tackle this is to establish a safe or ‘brave’ space, address taboos openly, and nurture sensemaking and common ground. Here is an extended summary on how to navigate this.

• Enhancers of empathy mainly fall under 1) Curiousity & Widening Knowledge 2) Recognising and Reducing Bias and 3) Relating emotionally to others

I wrote a comprehensive article on empathy, with a breakdown of research, elements of empathy, and suggestions too. Check if out here if you haven’t !

Ep 3: How to Befriend and Provide Support Ft. Kathleen David

With the establishing of peer supporters in schools or mental health ambassadors in the workplace, this episode serves as a good resource! Kathleen is trained as a befriender and transitioned from a career in finance to becoming a counsellor

Full Episode: Youtube / Spotify (Click)

Insights and Suggestions

• Befriending is term traditionally used for volunteers that ease beneficiaries fears, provide companionship and encourage them to use the organization’s service. While it may seem intuitive to make friends, there are specific trained skills that can help befrienders perform their role better

• Barriers to befriending are similar to what was discussed previously – assuming you know more, or fear of being judged by others. Addressing that can involve redirecting one’s focus outwards (on serving), instead of inward (where the fear and overthinking lies)

• Providing Support is both contextual and content driven. There are certain broad principles that help: holding space, not making someone entirely reliant on you, and helping them establish a support system. However, context matters too. Every situation demands a slightly different approach based on the relationship between both parties, stress threshold, and the outcomes desired

That’s about it :) Hope this short summary was useful

I’m excited for the shift to a culture of well-being and appreciate the heart you put in to make it happen. You deserve the utmost appreciation!

With love and resilience,
Kevin

Rebound with Resilience is a social enterprise, training and media company specializing in building resilience, mental wellness and peer support culture and skills. We also work with people with disabilities, giving them opportunities to speak in schools. Since inception, we have worked with over 70 schools and organizations and served over 10,000+ participants. Drop us an enquiry anytime into our talks/programmes and media content services!

Empathy Embodied: A Comprehensive Guide To Understanding, Developing & Nurturing Empathy

I sit opposite a man in his 80s. He wears a stylish vest, a diamond ring and a striking Gold Rolex Daytona (worth 80k at least).

“I don’t care about them (my kids). I am a rich man. I have a girlfriend whom I buy condos for” – he replies me proudly when I ask how he feels about his kids no longer being in contact with him.

He squints and says to me: “I look at you, I think you struggle to make money. No woman will want you”.

I smile. I don’t get offended, and neither do I want to change him. I empathize – he is in his 80s, and probably has a fixed paradigm (belief system) about success and life.

I nod and continue to speak to him. I compliment him on his Rolex, and ask how he accumulated his wealth. I listen for about 10mins.

After that, I ask if he can buy me a meal. He stands up, whips out an MBS member card, and buys me a nice ‘Cai Fan’ (rice with ingredients).  Voluntarily, he gets me a drink too.

I finally tell him what I’m doing - I’m on a 2 day homeless journey, where i trekked across Singapore without money and sleep in the open. I do it because I want to learn through discomfort, and deepen my empathy.

He takes out his wallet, hands me $10, and tells me to go home. 

I share this story because it deepened my appreciation of empathy (I never thought that a man in his twilight years will have this worldview, but I empathized regardless, and yielded a positive outcome)

Empathy isn’t just applicable when someone is crying and hurting, it’s relevant in any situation, conversation and interaction.

Empathy is relevant especially when an interaction challenges your deeply held assumptions, and your emotions threaten to take control. In these cases, empathy isn’t just a comforter, it is a tool for temperance, resolution and negotiation. This is why empathy also predicts resilience - much of our struggles and problems involve human relations.

Hence, I’m glad to dedicate this article to any educator, student or parent hoping to nurture the heart and skill of empathy, both for themselves and the people they care for.

What is Empathy?

Ask anyone what empathy is, you’ll likely get a simple answer – putting yourself in others shoes. They aren’t wrong.

Yet, I’ll challenge us to go further. Empathy has a fascinating history, which you can read here.

Yet for the purpose of this article, we will discuss 3 most commonly researched forms of empathy:

Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive refers to ‘thinking’. Empathy does involve careful thought and consideration. It involves taking a ‘birds eye point of point of view’, being a spectator to your emotions and situation, and considering all viewpoints as objectively as one can.

(In the video below: Taklah met with a tragic accident in the prime of his career. Yet, he rebuilt his life. The snippet reveals one of his core mindsets that helps him)

Affective Empathy

‘Affect’ refers to feeling. Empathy is about ‘feeling with’ someone, being able recognize, feel and reflect a similar emotion.

Both cognitive and affective empathy need not just be applied to someone alive – it can also be applied to a fictional character or a historical figure.

Compassionate Empathy

This aspect of empathy is lesser talked about, and important to share.

Compassionate empathy involves action – when we feel for someone enough to help or support them. It overlaps with kindness.

Why is this important to cultivate in a school or any organization? Here’s an analogy.

Imagine you’re waking through a forest with a friend. You trip over a log and sprain your ankle. The immediate pain is excruciating. Your friend leans over and says “Oh no, im so sorry, I should’ve looked out for you. I can feel your pain. I sprained my ankle before”. After that, he/she does nothing.

You might say this is an odd example. But the reality is that is happens more often than not. In workplaces or schools, we might feel someone else pain, but decide not to extend help for a multitude of barriers.

Holistic Empathy

It goes without saying then, that a combination of all 3 types of empathy is ideal. In the example above, it would be useful if affective empathy was applied to comfort you while help is being sought.

In other words, it’s the combination of our head, heart and hands that makes empathy most useful.

So how can we develop empathy?

As with most character strengths, while ‘nature’ and genes do play a part, empathy can be developed by ‘nurture’.

In my own example, my Mum told me I cried often for fictional characters when she read children’s stories to me. I remember feeling so sad and indignant for the ‘ugly duckling’ in the story that was ostracized by its own family and rejected by various animals. Later on, I cried tears of joy when it finally found the swans.

It revealed the sensitivity I had. Yet, ‘nurture’ had a part to play too – when I was young, my Mum diligently read to me A LOT with much emotion and animation. It helped me be exposed to a wide variety of situations and emotions.

In my later years, doing charity work in third-world countries and also facing depression/mania nurtured my empathy even further, something that no textbook can ever replace.

Hence, if you’re an educator or parent, take heart and inspiration that empathy CAN be developed intentionally

3 ACTIONS (Steps) of Empathy

Watch the above video. In it, a thought leader in this field ‘Brene Brown’ quotes research from Theresa Wiseman, that identifies 3 key aspects of empathy:

1. Perspective Taking
2. Staying Out of Judgement / Suspending Our Own Bias
3. Recognising, Reflecting and Communicating Emotion

This overlaps nicely with our earlier exploration of 3 types of empathy.

In this case, it presents a specific framework we can teach and practice empathy

Suggestions To Develop Empathy 

Here are 5 broad suggestions that will help develop the 3 actions and aspects of Empathy

1. Content and Teaching (Awareness)       

The most direct way to nurture empathy is to teach about it. Reading this article for example has likely deepened your knowledge of empathy

Feel free to share this article with students or your kids!

Beyond that, look for videos/podcast that talk about empathy in a learner or age appropriately way.

A quick search on Youtube will present you with multiple videos.

If you enjoy listening, a good podcast to look is ‘Unlocking us’ (embedded) By Brene Brown

When sharing knowledge with others, it helps to provide some guiding reflection questions. For example:

What is something surprising you learnt through this material?
What is one new insight that you can immediately apply? And how can you apply it?

In summary, raising awareness about empathy forms a good baseline, yet it is limited. Kinestatic and visual learners may lose interest or engagement with such a topic, especially when they don’t see personal releavance.

Hence, the next method aims to fill this gap.

2.  Immersion and Exposure

One of the most tried and tested ways to develop empathy is immersion – to literally put yourself in the position and lives of the people whom you want to empathize with. (To live, think and feel like they do)

In my case, I went homeless for this reason. Walking alone, sleeping in the open and eating leftovers was a first for me. Yes, some may label this as extreme. Yet, it’s a calculated risk I took, knowing that just reading about the homeless and underprivileged, or trying to empathize with them, will never replace actually living like they do. True enough, the empathy I developed through it is irrreplacable. It gave a renewed drive and fresh creativity in my work.

(Pcitured below: Items brought / Strangers & Hawkers who gave me free food, rides and encouragement / Sleeping at Multistory Carpark / Farms & Coast)

Of course, I’m not suggesting you throw your kids/students to the deep end, or kick them out of the house. The point I’m making is: overprotecting may hinder empathy.

Instead, expose them reasonably: For example, getting them to sign up for VIA (Values in Action) programmes, where they serve a segment of society or organization, or volunteering with them over the weekend.

Volunteering in particular is one of the most direct and effective ways to develop compassionate empathy.

““We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and to be loved.” ”

— Mother Theresa

Harness The Power of Storytelling

Aside from direct immersion, the next best way for exposure is through storytelling – hearing the emotions, struggles and joys of people with different realities from us.

Storytelling works wonders – science reveals that our brainwaves are in sync from listening to a story. Hence, storytelling is a very effective way to build and infuse empathy.

Here are some forms of storytelling mediums you can use:

Features & Online Content

One great series to check out is ‘Can Ask Meh’, produced by a local digital media company ‘Our Grandfather Story’, where people with different conditions/realities are asked questions about their lives.

These videos can be played as part of CCE lessons, along with guiding class discussions.

Another local channel MOSG, also features interesting and out of the norm personalities

Short Films

Besides feature content, short films are also great storytelling and immersive experiences. Films strive to portray the subject itself, hence giving audience a direct look into their emotions and thoughts.

Here is one award winning one on Demantia (click here) we play in our empathy programmes to good effect. 

If you’re looking for films to share or view, check out Vidsee. They have many films, both locally and globally produced.

(Shameless Plug: The one below is a feature they did of me haha, but there are many other features and films on the channel. Check it out!)

Live Talks/Podcasts   

Finally, if youre part of a school or organization, you may consider inviting specific speaker profiles to share their struggles and triumphs.

In our assembly sharings, inviting speakers with visually impairment usually gets good responses from students’, who highlight how they empathized with speakers and broke stereotypes.

(Pictured below: Zahier and Steve sharing in schools. Both of them faced blindness in their late teens)

On our podcast, I’ve also invited numerous guests who have faced and overcome various mental health conditions or physical disabilities. Their stories contain powerful lessons in empathy and resilience. I’ve complied a list of links here.

Suggestions to Aid Nurturing Process: Building Holistic Empathy & Reducing Stereotypes

As discussed earlier, one practice of empathy is being able to suspend bias and judgement. To help with this, educators/parents can intentionally frame the learning by asking guiding questions: For e.g ‘What was one assumption you had that was not true after listening to the story? Or ‘What is one thing that surprised you?’

Further, affective empathy can be nurtured by discussing the emotions of characters, subjects or storytellers. For more intention teaching, using a vocabulary list of emotions helps. Studies show that expanding ones emotional vocabulary helps recognize and relate to emotions

 4. Developing Emotional Control & Reduced Reactivity Towards Differing Opinions  

A big part of practicing empathy is emotional control. Judgement is a major barrier to empathy, which we instinctively do when our beliefs/values are being threatened. This is rooted in our evolutionary defense mechanism, which is inherently reactive.

As such, learning to respond (instead of react), learning to pause and stay neutral, is crucial in practicing empathy

I wrote a comprehensive article here on this topic, along with 10 practical suggestions on emotional control. Check it out here!

5. Embodying & Facilitating Empathy

Finally, and most importantly, we must be good role models. There is nothing more effective than example. Why? 1. We learn by imitation and 2. It gives us more authority, conviction and insights to teach when we LIVE it out ourselves.

From Classroom to Culture

Schools are moving towards the ideal that ‘Every school experience is a CCE experience”, echoed by former education minister Ong Ye Kung. While seemingly idealistic, I believe this is the most effective long-term solution. The alternative to this is touch and go classes, and axioms that students forget the moment the bell rings.

Especially for something as intimate and nuanced as empathy, memorizing its definition will not have a transformative effect.

“Culture eats strategy for lunch, and to nurture empathy we must build an empathic culture”

Having worked with many schools, I am very encouraged when this holistic CCE mindset is adopted. For one school in particular, I noticed a teacher greeting students ‘Good morning’ enthusiastically when they arrived. A further walk down the hall and another teacher caught my attention, asking a student ‘How are you today?’ and bending over to listen intently. “Good, a had a good breakfast” was the joyful reply.

It warmed my heart. While interactions like these seem small, they make a difference. Whoever and wherever you are, you can nurture empathy in both yourself and others, simply by being genuinely interested, curious and kind to others around you.

Creating Safe Spaces for Active Listening & Understanding 

A team models the leader. Regardless of whether you’re a school, company or organization leader, your actions have a significant impact on culture.

As such, creating safe spaces for kindness and vulnerability, and a policy of zero tolerance on divisive behaviour, is effective in building personal and collective empathy.

For example, when we conduct empathy programmes, trainers are carefully selected and coached to display vulnerability and build trust. This enables a safe space to conduct activities, such as Walk The Line, where students have to come forward and acknowledge certain phrases being read out. For example ‘I was once bullied’ or ‘I wish my relationship with my parents were better’

A profound and key insight is always noticed here: While this activity is a silent one, while the room was the quietest, communication was the highest. Why?

“Because empathy is ultimately not understood in the mind, but felt in the heart.”

The essence of empathy is simply being able to hold psychological space; to recognize and honour others’ emotions and realities’ without judgement

And because it’s so rarely practiced, doing so can result in profound comfort and liberation for the party that you’re holding space for. In ‘Walk the Line’, many feel liberated and safe to step forward, enabled by the collective empathy.

Hence, as a leader or individual, consider how you can first be vulnerable and authentic to the people/youth you lead, and also set up activities/discussions that facilitate active listening and increased understanding. This can be done together with the earlier suggestions too.

Conclusion

I begun this article with an unliklely encounter with a man, seemingly vastly different from me – in worldview, experiences and conduct.

After about an hour of chatting (chiding at times) and unsolicited advice, it’s finally time to part ways.

I shake his hand and say ‘Thank you’. I may not share the same values, nor will I fully understand his choices, but I am thankful for the meal and the drink. And I made sure he knew that.

I slowly walked away, but I hear his voice call me: ‘Hey’

I turn back. “Yes?”

In a tone strikingly different from the previous one, in a soft, appreciative tone, he said:

“Could you send me the photo you took of us? I’ll like to keep it”

In the end, maybe we aren’t so different after all.

Maybe beyond the money, status and prestige,

We just want to love…

And be loved in return.
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(if you enjoyed this article, i believe you’ll like our content on Youtube too! Check out our latest video below and consider subscribing!! :)

Rebound with Resilience is a social enterprise, training and media company specializing in building resilience, mental wellness and enabling peer support culture and skills. We also work with people with disabilities, giving them opportunities to speak in schools. Since inception, we have worked with over 50 schools and organizations and served over 10,000+ participants. Drop us an enquiry anytime into our talks/programmes and media content services!

10 Ways To Pause And Manage Our Stress Response #ReclaimControl

Why I Wrote This & Disclaimer

Resilience is often portrayed as a relentless conquering, yet it also lies in learning how to take effective beaks. Your body is a system, and systems need resting and ‘servicing’.

Don’t be intimidated by this comprehensive list. Some may work for you, some won’t. Try some in your own time and create your own plan to pause 😊 All the best!

I’ve attached embedded links too, they are in bold.

Our Attraction To Negativity & Reactivity  

Imagine yourself in the jungle, 1000 years ago. You are hunting for food with a spear, prancing around, senses heightened. This daily ritual ensures your survival, yet puts it at risk too.

All of a sudden, you hear a growl and see movement behind some bushes, 30m away. Immediately, your limbic brain (part responsible for the stress response) goes into overdrive – adrenaline is secreted, your heart pumps faster, blood flowing to the ends of your body…

You have a choice between 2 conclusions. 

1)      Thinking there is a tiger when there isn’t one

2)      Thinking there is no tiger when there is one.

In this case, let’s assume the conclusion you make will be WRONG.

Read the two statements again, which mistake would you rather make?

Chances are, you picked 1). Why? Because the second one leads to death.

Because of this evolutionary necessity, we are wired to be more sensitive to threat. Fast forward 1000 years, we are no longer surrounded by tigers. However, when faced with a stressor, we REACT in the exact same physiological way as if being chased by tigers. Even though it is not life-threatening.

In other words, we overestimate threats and underestimate opportunities. This is also referred to as the negativity bias – we are more attracted to negativity. This is why negative news sell faster and why K DRAMA (not K Dreams) are popular.

This is a problem – a major barrier to resilience & mental health.

Learn to Respond, Not React: The Power of the Pause

How can we solve it?

The key is to train our mind to respond, and not react.

To react is to get into a cycle of anxiety, stress response, and do the same thing over and over again. To respond is to break the cycle, reset your emotions and think through a different response.

A framework to help you respond is the PTCA model below

This model highlights the steps we take to respond , and one major step we miss out is the PAUSE.

The pause is an intentional break, a habit or anchor one does to stop the stress response. Some refer to it as ‘safe spaces’ where we reset, renew and recharge.

Yet in our fast paced society, coupled with our bias to negativity, such a simple practice of PAUSING is something we are sorely lacking – both in adults and youth.

Takalah’s Story & The Power of the Pause

A quick story to illustrate the power of the pause: Takalah Tan was a commando officer, top student and beat 7000 people to land a place in his dream company. On May 24,1994, a week before he was due to start, he met with a horrific motorcycle accident. He was flung 70m away. He landed on his face, and it shattered. Doctors gave him 0.1% chance of survival. He did survive but had a complete loss of memory, blinded in one of his eyes, and lost his sense of smell.

Yet he rebuilt his life again.

I had the privilege of hosting him on my podcast. I asked him what was one philosophy or mindset that anchors his resilience. Watch this short snippet, it highlights how the PAUSE is crucial in this process:

Click here for an article and here to view the full podcast.

Now that we’re fully aware of the power of the pause, here are 10 suggested ways you may can incorporate the next time you’re about to react: 

1. Mindfulness & Meditation

Mindfulness has exploded in recent years, especially with the pandemic. Research shows that mindful practices can indeed significantly reduce stress, improve focus, and allow us to respond to tough situations effectively.

Yet, what is mindfulness? And how can it help you pause?

Watch this short snippet! (Erin Lee is a friend and well-known practitioner in this field. It is her personal vision to help people learn mindfulness skills and incorporate it into their daily lives to improve their well-being)

Mindfulness is the act of detached observation, focusing and discernment. Not being caught up in the worries of the past or the anxieties of the future, but being fully present in the moment.

Another useful analogy is the ‘Monk Mind’ VS the ‘Monkey Mind’. The latter, as the name suggest, swings from place to place, distraction to anxieties, and finds it hard to stay present and focused. The former is less reactive, able to remain calm despite stressors in.

Mindfulness helps us with this. 

There are many mindful practices one can do. One example is simply being aware of your 5 senses while doing mundane tasks like brushing your teeth or eating. Another is body scanning.

Meditation is another such practice. Mindfulness are linked and therefore used interchangeably, yet they are distinct. Meditation is just one method to train your mindfulness muscle.

If you’re new to mediation, start with a simple guided one below:

Actionable Tips

• Try mindful eating! Notice your senses, the texture and smell of the food, instead of gobbling it down or thinking about something else.

• Research other mindful practices you can try (body scanning, grounding, etc)

• Try 3mins of mindfulness meditation in the morning or at night before bed.

2. Religion/Spirituality

This is taboo, something we don’t openly talk about. I find this a pity… there is so much we can understand and appreciate about others’ faith, if only we have gracious and mature discussions.

Research does show that religion acts as a protective factor against mental health issues. This could be due to support communities or the solace people can find in a protective higher power.

If you don’t subscribe to a specific religion, having a spiritual anchor could help – there is tremendous power in letting go, in surrender. Or having a constant that one can turn to in times of stress.

Spirituality (spiritual + ability) can be seen as the ability to tap into your spirit – to find strength from a higher purpose or find deeper meaning in your existence. Our spirituality is something we should all spend conscious effort on – regardless of whether it’s tied to religion or not.

You don’t have a soul. You are a soul, you have a body - C.S. Lewis

Actionable Tips

• Explore your religion/spirituality and faith. What gives you meaning? Why do you do what you do? What is the purpose of my life? While these are not easy to tackle, taking time so sit with them, write them down and form conclusions will help your spiritual resilience.

• Prayer/Meditation does help. So do it in your own way!

• Write some mantras down that anchor you, that give you peace/strength in times of stress. This could be verses, scripture, or any phrase you deeply connect with. For myself, a phrase that anchors me is ‘I was born with nothing, and will leave with nothing. There is nothing to lose, and everything to give’. Closing my eyes & chanting it calms me down and relieves the fear of loss/failure

3.   Growth Mindset & Equanimity

This is not so much a way to pause, but rather a safeguard against stressors– i.e to ensure you don’t react n the first place.

Let me quote a few lines from a famous poem, ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling

If you dream and not make dreams your master,
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with triumph and disaster,
and treat those two imposters just the same

I love this. It highlights the power of equanimity – the state of being balanced and composed – seeing success and failure as neutral events.

This parallels the famous ‘growth & fixed mindset’.

It highlights how, when we are fixated by results and conditioned into basing our self-esteem on praise/success, we naturally get anxious or discouraged when met with failure or setback. Anything that calls into question our “results” is seen as a threat (triggering a stress response).

As such, to move to equanimity, practice these tips:  

Actionable Tips

• Be conscious about how you perceive and respond to success and failure. Ideally, see both as imposters - neutral events. It’s ok to celebrate success, but don’t worship or revel it in. Similarly, it’s ok to hurt for a while in failure, but reframe and learn from it.

• Shift your speech pattern from ‘This is difficult’ to ‘This is figureoutable’. Anytime you catch your speech pattern being defeatist, reframe it to a point of growth. 

• Read article here for more tips and deeper understanding of the growth mindset

4.     Journalling

Journaling has been proven to help alleviate anxiety and improve introspection. It allows one to ‘clear the mind’ and understand oneself better. The act of writing can be therapeutic and calming for some.

Important considerations:

1) Everyone journals differently, consider some methods below and develop a journal style that works for you.

2) Journaling is not a competition. Don’t feel pressured to stick to schedules or meet expectations. This might reverse the intended effect of journaling.

Actionable Tips

Here are some forms of journaling you can try out/combine:

1) Expressive Journalling. Writing down events, thoughts and feelings without judgement.

2) Reflective Journalling. Write down what happened, why it happened, and specific actions you can take to improve

3) Gratitude Journalling. Write down a couple of events/things in life you are grateful for

4) Inspiration Jouranlling. I coined this term haha! I like to write down things that inspired me today -people, events, insights, or even quotes/videos that I came across that were particularly uplifting. Try it too !

5. Podcasts

Podcasts are AMAZING! They are one of the best way to learn, relate, relax, laugh and even be in inspired! A whole range of emotions can be felt because podcasts allow guests and hosts to go deep into conversation. Listening to others’ experience can give you perspective and comfort, especially if the guests have gone through similar experiences.

For myself, I’ve invited close to 50 guests on my podcast. I can say hands down it is one of the richest experiences of my life. I’ve learnt and felt so much, and I’m forever grateful they are recorded.    

Actionables

• Think about your passions/areas you’re curious about. Do a simple google search to find out what podcasts are there in that area!

• Ask for podcast recommendations from friend! Some of my favourites are: Mindset Mentor & Impact Theory. There are many local podcasts you can look into too!

• Of course, do listen to our podcasts on Spotify/Youtube too!

6. Nature/Hiking

Recent fascinating research shows a strong link between grace space and mental health. More vegetation in the neighbourhood = less likely to suffer from mental health afflictions.

There are many possible reasons for it – the fresh air, the exercise, etc. One interesting one is the feeling of awe - in seeing works of nature, we tend to marvel and introspect, and feel blessed by a ‘higher power’. Recently, I spoke to a friend and she remarked how present and calm she feels in nature, as if “the trees are hugging me”. I liked that hahha..I even added “Maybe it’s God himself giving you a hug”. Regardless of whether we believe in God or not, I think we mostly agree that a walk in nature leaves us better off.

Actionables

• Hiking can be time-consuming, so if you haven’t do it yet, maybe start with once a month first! You can gather some friends and go!

• Research some hidden gems in Singapore! Smart Local has many articles on green spaces and parks you can visit. You’ll be surprised at the variety of wildlife and vegetation you can find!’

• Check out some guided tours! This is not sponsored, but SeekSophie is a very cool and affordable option to visit rare places in SG with some guidance.

7. Exercise

Something we all know we need to do, but find it hard. Exercise helps us release endorphins, “happy hormones” that boosts your mood. The mind and body are intimately connected, so exercise is a MAJOR way to pause, relax and energize your mind.

The challenge comes because 1) we don’t find enjoyment in exercise 2) face the initial inertia and don’t see the immediate benefit or 3) we set unrealistic expectations and stop shortly after

Actionables

To combat the above issues

• Find exercises that involve others. With covid, it is a bit harder. But certain activities like badminton, running, group workouts are still allowed. Doing it with others increases fun and gives you an accountability partner

• We often want to feel motivated to start, yet motivation doesn’t always last. While feeling can cause action, action can also cause feeling. What helps me is counting down to 5 and just willing myself to take the first step out. Almost 100% of the time, I feel better afterwards and thank myself for doing it.

• Set an exercise plan for the week, but be realistic. If youre not exercising at all, start with twice a week for 30m first. The key is to built a habit, rather than set unrealistic goals, fail to hit them and be demotivated. 

8. Music

I must admit, I’m not a big music consumer. I’ve never had the habit of listening to music frequently and I prefer to work/exercise without it.

However, there are quiet moments of reflection/pain where I turn on a track and allow myself to feel (namely Coldplay stuff XD). On these occasions, music hits a note in my heart where nothing else can.

There’s even something called music therapy – it takes place in a variety of forms.  If you’re keen to go deeper into it, save this video to watch another time. It’s organized by Beyond the Label – a local national campaign by NCSS. A local artist Marcus sings an amazing song he wrote for World Mental Health Day and discusses about using musical lyrics for reflection and healing.

Actionables

• Create a Spotify playlist that calms you down. This list may change over time, but it serves as an anchor for you to go back too in time of need.

• Search existing playlists. You may discover a less mainstream song you really relate and connect deeply with it

9. The Power of Breath

This is the most underrated yet most easily applied method in this list. Your breath is powerful – it controls so much more than we imagine.

A remarkable example is the “Iceman” Wim Hof. Crippled with hurt from his wife’s suicide, he discovered the “righteousness of the cold” and taught himself to control his immune system through his breath. He got scientists to study him – to inject bacteria into his body and compare responses against a control. He proved that he can access part of the mind to control the immune system – where scientists previously thought was impossible

I doubt we will get to that level. But, by using the breathing techniques below, we can activate our rest and recovery system and defuse our reactive stress response.

Actionables  (click to watch tutorials)

-Wim Hof Breathing Method

-Box Breathing. Navy seals use this to calm themselves.

-1 to 2 Breathing. Breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth in double the time. Personally, I use this the most. It is one the fastest way to calm yourself and stop you stress responses from getting out of hand.  

10. Entertainment (Gaming, Netflix, Youtube, Watching Movies, etc)

Finally, the one most of you probably already do. Entertainment can be a good break for your mind.

However, we MUST be very careful with this one. Why? Because it could turn into escapism or a term called languishing. Lauguishing refers to passive disassociations from the real world, where we might scroll through social or consume endless content, yet feel empty and lethargic after. In this case, entertainment may become a way to escape from problems.

‘Safe Spaces’ are good, but they are not places to hide. They are places to rest, recharge and eventually go out and engage with life. So if the above sounds familiar, here are some ways to help

Actionables 

• Set limits on entertainment. For myself, I try to carve out a ‘social break’, where I post/reply/scroll on my socials. However, outside that period, I put my phone away and strictly don’t use it. Similarly, if you use your phone during study breaks, set a timing or only do it after youre done, or you could get into a state of languish and endless scrolls.

• Try other ways of pausing above! If you find yourself relying too heavily on entertainment, switching to some methods above could give you a more meaningful pause.

Conclusion

Hope you appreciated this article and tips! Do share it with friends whom can benefit.

The ability to pause and respond is a cornerstone of resilience, and I’m so glad to share this knowledge with all of you.

All the best and Stay Resilient!

Rebound with Resilience is a social enterprise specializing in building resilience, mental wellness and enabling peer support culture and skills. We also work with people with disabilities, giving them opportunities to speak in schools and inspire youth with their stories of resilience. Since inception, we have worked with over 40 schools and organizations and served over 10,000+ participants. Drop us an enquiry into our talks/programmes anytime!