When someone opens up
Their energy shifts; from a stoic recount to a softer slower murmur. You sense guilt, sometimes shame. But almost always, pain.
Their eyes glisten: “I’m not sure what to do…I feel helpless”.
Tears drip or flow.
In this moment, in this space, how we respond matters. It holds the key to connection or resentment; trust or distrust. It determines if someone moves forward with hope or retreats into suppression.
What I’ve described is a crossroad, a space created when someone opens up to you. This space is uncomfortable for many (and might end in awkward stares)
Common questions I get are: “How can I support someone when they open up?”, “When do I talk and when do I stop?”, “I don’t feel equipped to help with mental health challenges, what can I do?”
I wrote this article to help you with this. I hope to give you a simple framework to start and act on. I hope it ignites a desire to help someone in need, to deepen your capacity to listen, love, and empower.
If this article helps you, do share it with others too 😊 Here we go:
*Disclaimer: While this article is a framework, helping someone is also an art and context dependent. So do apply in consideration.
What people are looking for (EESS)
When people open up, they are looking for (and will benefit from) one of the 4 forms of support (EESS): Encouragement, Empathy, Suggestions or Scolding. The last one seems outta place but we’ll get there in a bit.
It can be predominantly a combination of 1 or 2 forms, or even a combination of all 4.
As the support provider, what combination of support to provide depends on the context: Specifically, 1) your relationship with the person, 2) the person’s extent and nature of struggle and 3) your personal competency.
To help you understand context and improve your personal competency, we will cover:
1) Elaboration on principles and practical tips behind each EESS
2) Types of Relationship, Struggles & What Combination of EESS To Apply
Empathy
Empathy is the baseline for everything. Without empathy, no effective support takes place.
The marriam webster definition: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
A long, but representative chunk. Basically, some things can’t be communicated through words, only felt. To empathize doesn’t mean you need to understand everything, but to make the other person feel understood.
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
That said, a researched definition of empathy also involves the mind; there are two kinds of empathy: cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive (cognition) refers to thought – thinking and trying to understand things from a logical point of view. Whereas affect (feeling) refers to feeling the emotions of the other person.
How to Practice Empathy?
In daily life:
Specifically, immersion activities help boost cognitive and affective empathy. These refers to activities when subjects are made to experience things the target group/person does (e.g dine in the dark to help empathize with the visually impaired). While we can’t regularly do this, a good substitute would be start conversations and listen actively to people you won’t usually do (the cleaner at your block, the migrant worker, the taxi driver, etc). When listening, be present and empathize.
When speaking to others:
In any conversation, especially when someone opens up to you, learn to hold space and practice active listening. ‘Space’ refers to a physical and psychological ‘safe zone’ when you are speaking to someone. Personally, I define (or visualize) it as a protective bubble wrapping around two people when they share an intimate conversation. If you hold space well, that bubble thickens and protects, comforts and empowers. If you don’t, it grows thinner till it pops, and the other party leaves feeling vulnerable, judged and disempowered.
Click here for an elaborated article on how to hold space well.
In summary, to empathize and hold space well means to be present and give full attention. Be careful not to try ‘to fix’ the person immediately, to dismiss, judge, compare or make the problem about yourself. Simply put, you listen unconditionally and lovingly.
Encouragement
This overlaps with empathy slightly. When you hold space well, just the act of being there for someone else is deeply validating and encouraging. Why? Because it is a rarity. Imagine how you’ll feel if you’ve been suppressed and judged for so long, and finally someone understands and provides that safe space.
Beyond that, from experience as a speaker and coach, one of most powerful forms of encouragement is to see value in others, and communicate that value to them.
Let me share a story that illustrates this perfectly: The Ugly Duckling.
My Mum read this to me when I was very young. She said I teared twice. Why?
The story goes that a duckling was born dark coloured. It was different from the rest of the family. So, it was bullied, ostracized and kicked out. I teared. It wasn’t just a fictional character to me, I felt for him. How could your own family kick you out? Because my Mum loved me so much, it also made it harder for me to comprehend.
Then, the duck wandered around. Every group of animals it went, it received the same feedback: “You’re broken”, “You're stupid” and most of all “You’re ugly”. It grew sadder with each turn of the story.
Broken and rejected, it was on the verge of giving up. But it pressed on just a little longer.
Then, it finally arrived at the swans. The swans immediately saw his value - that the duck was going to become a ‘black swan’, a rare and valuable variant.
Here is ending and most powerful moral of the story:
Once the duck recognized and owned it’s value, it spread it’s wings and flew.
In a stratified and comparison-driven world, be the person that sees the value in others. And communicate it to them.
(On this topic, a great book is ‘Winning With People’ by John Maxwell)
Suggestions
Solutions are important.
Yet, when someone is struggling, the solution is not always so straightforward (otherwise they would have done it already).
Hence, I labelled this form of support as suggestion. Instead of a direct instruction, you may guide them through broad perspectives.
When I offer suggestions, I see myself as a mirror, asking questions and offering perspectives to help them understanding their thinking and come to realizations themselves. In other words, I don’t provide the solution, I lead them into seeing it for themselves through a reflection of themselves (hence the mirror analogy).
However, do note that this is a specialized skill. As aforementioned, the degree to which you apply it depends on nature of relationship, extent of struggle and your personal competency. So apply this in context (the segment below on ‘types of relationship’ may offer some guidance)
Yet the principle remains – everyone ultimately make their own choices and own their solutions. You merely guide them to it.
Leading peers to professional help
Also, on this topic, a common question is ‘how do I suggest someone to seek professional help? especially when there are strong barriers.
A suggestion is to explain and persuade from BOTH logic and care. Empathy and trust is a must. Once that is established, your peers will be more receptive. From here, explain rationally the reasons and benefits for seeking professional help. Listen to their fears and dispel concerns if needed. Lastly, offer to go together with them at least on the first time.
Scolding
Lastly, scolding. In certain contexts, we can all benefit from tough love. Personally, I’ve had my fair share of tough coaches and mentors, in sport and business contexts. Some have shouted at me in the face. Yet, without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
That said, please don’t start shouting at others in the face.
Why? Because the effectiveness of it is HIGHLY context dependent. The principle behind is that some challenge or stress is necessary for growth -‘eustress’ (good stress).
As you can see, some stress leads to increaing performance. Yet, beyond a certain point, it causes distress
Yet, we must be careful when extending this form of support. In National Service for example, being tough has toughened some, yet caused some to take their lives. The line between eustress and distress is fine and we have to navigate it carefully.
Types of Relationship
Here are 5 common types of relationships and the corresponding support provided or received. We also explore how your personal competency and nature of struggle affects the type of support provided. (*Note that every relationship is unique and might have overlaps, this serves as a broad guide)
Peer to Peer
These are usually with friends around a similar age. In such relationships, the primary form of support should be empathy, encouragement, and suggestions. For closer friends, scolding may be included in some contexts.
A common mistake between peer relationships is being quick to provide solutions WITHOUT fully empathizing or listening. Another common mistake is dismissing, judging or making the problem about yourself. Instead, practice empathy and encouragement (elaboration in the next segment).
Screenshot From a Mental Health E Kit by Dare to Share. Full E-Kit here
On occasion, providing suggestions could be relevant. One way to determine is to ask (after you have empathized). For example, I’ll ask: “Would you like me to share my perspective?”. If the receiver gives permission, I go ahead.
For closer friends, scolding may be relevant. For example, for myself, I do appreciate when my close friends challenge my thought process.
A word of caution for closer friends: when emotions are high, it is not uncommon for mismatch of expectations to occur. Hence, it is important to have constant open communication about each other’s needs and feelings. A common concern I notice is the ‘hero’s syndrome’ or taking on too much emotional burden. i.e you feel the need to “save them” or help them all the time. In this case, the emotional stress is unsustainable and could end up in a “breakup”.
To overcome this, lead them to other support systems or professional help. It is dangerous for someone to be your whole world. I’ve learnt from research and personal experience that recovery is holistic and a shared responsibility. Supporting your friends also means acknowledging that you can’t play every role, and helping them creating a support system.
Parent & Child
In parenting, naturally a combination of all 4 EESS is applicable. The combination also differs with culture/background and with the age of the child – as children grow older, the nature of empathy and encouragement changes, and suggestions become less instructional and more principle based.
While a parent-child relationship is unique, here are broad research that gives perspective. Take a look at the key parenting styles below:
Again, this research has to be applied in context. However, what we do know is that both extremes – permissive and authoritative parenting styles leads a higher rate of trauma and mental health issues. Generally, the authoritative style leads to greater fulfillment and performance in kids.
In this case, encouragement and empathy is adequately practiced, balanced with a principle-based suggestions. This is consistent to my own beliefs about parenting and how my parents brought me up.
Giving freedom to fail is also the only way youth develop resilience and independence. Resilience is the ability to adapt to stressors or failure. Hence, without the latter, there is no resilience. Yet, ironically, we stigmatize failure. I’ve done two interviews on building mental resilience in kids –with an adolescent psychiatrist and senior psychologist from IMH (click here and here to view them). In summary, they both agree that resilience is only built when we prepare, and not protect or prevent kids from failure.
Hope this perspective helps! If you want to read up more on parenting, good books are ‘Positive Discipline for teens’, “How to talk so your teen will listen”.
If you’re a youth and feel your parents’ parenting style doesn’t empower you, have an open communication with them. Have courage to ask them for a private chat (not when you're shouting at each other). From there, communicate your needs and possibly share this them this. From experience, most parents will understand. However, if the situation is drastic and affecting your mental health, do get a mediator.
Partners (Romantic Relationships)
Frankly I can’t speak from much personal experience, so i’ll keep this segment short and principle based.
First, relationships are built on consistency, not just intensity. i.e planning a big surprise 2 times a year and neglecting needs the rest of the year is not as effective as planning 1 big surprise but being there consistently. Of course, the ideal is both intensity and consistency. But that person doesn’t exist sadly.
Second, the dynamics of support shifts. Even in a long relationship, the nature shifts with age and context, and so too does the combination and nuance of EESS given. So be sure not to take communication for granted.
Third, focus on love languages. This applies to all relationships, but has been shown to be particularly helpful in romantic ones. Read more and do the test here.
Therapist/Counsellor and Client
We generally get confused and use the terms therapist, counsellor and psychologists interchangeably. It is good to have some basic understanding here.
Regardless of who you're seeking help from, the outcome is generally to help you get better – to manage emotions better and reduce symptoms of distress. In some cases, it could be about positive empowerment as well. The means of therapy differs, and the combination of support differs with the mode and the relationship you have your therapist/counsellor.
If you’re considering therapy, my suggestion is to find a therapist that is a good fit with you. Also, take some time to give the relationship a chance. It could be overjudgement on the client’s part which leads to therapy hopping.
With regards to accessibility and affordability of services, check out Homecoming Club. They are a website compiling resources and reviews of help available.
Last word on this: A massive misconception is that therapy is only meant for those who face more severe mental health conditions. While it does encompass that, many go to therapy to understand how to process and deal with emotions better, and harness them for empowerment too. Just like how a sports coach helps you get better in psychomotor mastery, a good therapist helps you get better with mental and emotional mastery. I hope for the day sports coaching and therapy is viewed with equal neutrality.
Coach/ Coachee; Supervisor and subordinate
Lastly, leadership. This is relevant for all of you. I believe we are mini coaches/advisors to someone else in our life. We may also be coached/mentored/supervised by someone in your workplace or business. In this relationship case, suggestions and scolding are definitely more welcome (and even necessary). Personally, I have benefited tremendously from being challenged and having suggestions given to me.
That said, I firmly believe empathy and encouragement (empowerment) is the foundation. People won’t go along with you until they get along with you.
The old adage holds true – people don’t know how much you know until they know how much you care.
Hence, as someone in power, practice empathy more. If your business/work depends on empowering employees, then suggest and guide, don’t just instruct or boss people around.
Concluding Note
Thanks for reading! I hope this article provides adequate insight and suggestions for consideration. May we continue to strive towards raising the resilience, empathy and mental wellness of our nation’s youth.
Subscribe to our podcast on Spotify or Youtube, or join our Telegram channel for more inspiration and information on building your resilience and mental wellness, and helping others do the same. (Click on embedded links above to access them)
-Kevin Wee.
Rebound with Resilience is a social enterprise specializing in building resilience, mental wellness and enabling peer support culture and skills. We also work with people with disabilities, giving them opportunities to speak in schools and inspire youth with their stories of resilience. Click here for our background, track record and programme synopsis. Since inception, we have worked with over 30 schools and served over 10,000+ students.