My brother had passed away from a heart attack when he was 19, so it was dejavu for my family. According to my Dad, my body was turning bluish-black. The doctor gave my loved ones 2 scenarios: 1) If I wake up, it’s likely I won’t be “normal”, because my body was without oxygen for about 45 mins. Or 2) If I don’t wake up, I’ll be in a vegetable state.
Till today, I don’t remember anything. I was told I had a seizure and my tongue rolled back. Thankfully, my girlfriend kept pumping my chest till the paramedics came. They gave me shocks and took me to the hospital, my heart stopped for about 45 minutes.
When I woke up, the doctor said it was a miracle, that there were no severe side effects. But. I had an ICD implanted in me to monitor my irregular heartbeat. It could have been hereditary, but other than that there was no warning. I was an Officer in the army, I was fit, I was strong. I had my life planned out, and I had plenty of time to achieve my goals. But time had other ideas.
After the incident, I went straight back to school. I was only in my first semester in university. I had a scholarship, so I had to work hard. But I struggled badly, the doctor warned of short term memory loss, I didn’t believe it until part of my brain started to hurt when I tried to recall formulas. I was taking Electronics and Electrical Engineering (EEE), and it was content heavy. Also, because of my ICD implanted, I couldn’t go near many equipment, which would be a major problem if I did pursue a career in EEE.
I was in KL when I had my first ICD shock. It felt like something gripping my chest and sucking it in. The ‘shock’ was meant to get my heart back into regular rhythm, when it dramatically changes (see picture). Yet, I still panicked. It’s that feeling of uncertainty, like it could end any moment. From August 2016 to March 2018, I had 17 shocks. On the 17th one, I lost consciousness. When I woke up, I had a major realization - my health and family was my priority. I decided to leave school and focus on my recovery. It was very difficult, because I compared myself to my peers, and I still had a scholarship. But when your life is on the line, these are small matters.
Accept. Find Meaning & Support. Keep trying. These were the 3 stages of recovery that I helped me, which I’ll like to share.
There was a period I just couldn’t accept, I kept asking ‘Why me’. But it didn’t help me, it made me feel more ‘stuck’. When you’re not well, I think your loved ones suffer the most. I’ve seen their tears and pain they had to go through, when the doctor said I have little options: my condition is rare and there was no specific treatment.
Yet, they were with me all the way, mainly my parents, girlfriend and close friends. I started to find meaning in my setback, I realized how much they love me, and how much it strengthened our relationship. I told myself, for them and for myself, I will fight.
So I kept trying. I got a dog named 小白 (Little White). She lightened the atmosphere in my family, she is so adorable and innocent, and it ‘sucks out’ the sadness. I got a second opinion for medication, and that switch has helped me a lot physically. And I found meaningful work too, as a financial planner. My agent helped to lift the financial burden greatly for my family, so I felt the benefits. Now I find joy in sincerely sharing and helping others too. It gives me a purpose and goals I can work hard for.
I’ll like to share an analogy: Life is like a game of darts. We might miss at first. But if we just keep trying, we keep throwing and throwing and throwing, eventually some will hit. Time will tell. We may not see the benefit in the short term, but in the long term you’ll look back and thank yourself for not succumbing.
Life is a lot lighter now. Every day I live in gratitude. I survived and live to tell my story. And I hope by sharing others can find strength to overcome their tough times too.