I was a “perfect SG kid”. I went to “good” schools, got good grades and did well in sports. People praised me often: “Wow…You’re set for life, you’ll definitely succeed”
So I grew to love praise and validation from others. My self-worth became dependent on my grades, achievements & other’s opinions. That’s dangerous, because those things can change, and your self-worth becomes a yo-yo. Also, you live to please others, which is the surest way to be unhappy.
Couple of months before my ‘A’ level exams, my Mum shared that she had anxiety issues during her Uni exams (due to my grandma’s health). She couldn’t complete her exams and took a break from school. I looked at my Mum in the eye and said: “That will never happen to me”.
Couple of months later, the exact same thing happened to me.
Overwhelming anxiety led to a mental block. It felt like a heavy brick on your head, preventing oxygen from flowing. I handed up blank sheets of paper for my Math ‘A’ levels (6hr paper in total). I knew I would get ‘U’ (ungraded), the worst possible grade.
A thousand thoughts race through my mind: ‘What would people think?’ ‘What about my future?’ ‘What about my dreams? ‘Years of studying gone to waste.’
That “perfect kid” label that once made me happy was now a massive crippling weight. I was no longer that “perfect kid”, no longer able to get “prestigious jobs” and “straight A’s”. My identity was defined by the labels. So, I had an identity crisis, and it triggered a long battle with my mental health.
The night after ‘A’ levels ended, I had a nightmare and woke up drenched in cold sweat. A thought entered my mind: ‘it would be better if I take my life’. Literally, a chill ran down my spine, pure fear that makes you cold and shiver.
I felt fear for two reasons: 1) I was shocked that I was capable of such a thought. 2) I had absolutely no control over it. Reason 2 scared me more.
I woke my Mum and told her. She shivered. The exact same reaction I had. She hugged me tighter than she had ever did. Initially, I couldn’t understand what was going on, and neither did my parents. I feared embarrassment and judgement. And I judged myself: ‘It’s just a stupid exam, people have got it much worse, come on, get over it, don’t be weak…’
One day later, we drive to the hospital, where I eventually got sedated. I couldn’t sleep, and had 24/7 thoughts of my death. Just weird stuff, like how I was going to die. I was walking the house talking nonsense. Eventually, I felt nothing (The only thing worse than feeling fear is to feel nothing at all). I had 200% certainty I was going to die, that nothing would save me.
Depression inflicts pain; a devastating, but invisible pain. So it’s hard to understand, but I’ll try to explain, so you can help someone better if needed.
Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain (usually triggered by intense, prolonged stress). Once it occurs, it’s a physical condition (not just psychological). Which means, an invisible depression can be compared to a visible ankle sprain. Just as a sprain injures the bone, depression “injures” chemicals in the brain, which affects your moods. When someone suffers a sprain, you can’t force him to move without worsening the pain. Similarly, you can’t force someone with depression to “get over it” immediately.
This is why depression is dangerous & can take lives, because it takes away control of one's own thoughts & emotions (the things that makes us human) & isolates sufferers from others who don’t understand. Without control and support, it feels like an endless battle.
Yet, as endless as it seems…there is still hope.
There were some key factors that helped. One was emotional support. It was stressful for my family, who saw me change completely. But they loved me unconditionally, they didn’t judge, they were patient and always hopeful. I also had a few close friends who took effort to write to me, even though I isolated myself. They are true gems. The letter in the picture is the most touching one I’ve ever received (read it if u have time). Back then, I felt it didn’t have much effect, but looking back it made a huge difference.
I took medication, which helped reduce the constant negative thoughts. At first, I refused to let go of the past, but the longer I held on, the more painful it got. But slowly I shifted my mindset. I vividly recall the moment where I had an enlightenment. I felt a huge burden lifted off my chest, I felt lighter, like I could fly. Something in me just switched, I told myself: “I don’t need to go to Uni to be successful, I don’t need to get ‘A’s. I will create my own path.” When I truly let go, I felt liberated, and it was a major turning point.
I took small actions to make myself happy. I volunteered to read stories to underprivileged kids at a hospital, and I took kids with special needs on excursions. I read about animal therapy, and I cycled to visit dog shelters every day to play with dogs. I realized one crucial thing: the kids & the dogs didn’t care about my grades; they didn’t care if I had 1000 achievements or 0; they didn’t care if I was tall, short, round or triangle. They only they cared about was that I loved them with my heart. And when I did, they loved me in return. It was deeply healing.
So I decided I’ll get a dog. She was unlike the other pups: reserved and slightly fearful of human touch, huddling in a corner. I pet her, and she dodged it. So I decided to get little Eliora. And this is so cliche it's ridiculous… But when I got her, Swedish House Mafia was playing over the shop’s speakers: “Don't u worry child, see heaven’s got a plan for you”
It tuned out my worries did fade. And I guess heaven did have a plan for me.
6 years ago, I felt that my “failure” would drastically change my life for the worse. I was half right, it did change my life drastically, but for the better.
Although those months were the darkest period, it is by far the biggest blessing of my life. My biggest “failure” taught me lessons that success never would. It gave me experience to truly empathize and help others better. And most of all, it led me to a passion & purpose – for training and coaching youth to recognize their unique worth, and realise their fullest potential. It gives me indescribable joy, inspiration and energy.
6 years later, on 1 Jan 2019, Rebound With Resilience begin. It’s been such a fulfilling journey and I am so grateful and thankful to all of you, and sincerely hope that we have helped you in some way.
Yes I know it’s never easy. But in tough times, always remember this: failure hurts, but it’s not permanent…it’s temporary, it’ll pass. No matter how cold & dark the night is, the sun will ALWAYS rise tomorrow. Of course it’s difficult, sometimes, when you’re facing the crap, you curse & swear & never understand why. But I promise, if you just hang on, seek support, find the lessons, slowly make changes, ONE DAY, you’ll look back and you will understand completely why it happened. And you’ll feel a sense of profound gratitude.
6 years after I messed up, I finally truly understand the reason for my struggle. I am thankful for everyone and everything that helped me #ReboundwithResilience. And now feel a burning desire to help others do the same❤
