What is a Mentality? And Why is it Important?
A mentality is a way of thinking. It is crucial to positive mental health.
Why? Because our mentality largely influences our emotions and responses to stressors. Yet, due to flawed guidance and societal pressures, we subconsciously develop dangerous mentalities that sabotage our potential. When left unchecked, it could lead to more serious mental conditions.
To combat this, raising our self-awareness is a good step. Here are 3 common dangerous mentalities and healthier alternatives:
1. The “I am a failure” mentality
Assume you put in equal effort to solve a rubrics cube and do math test. You fail in both. Which “failure” is likely to affect you more? Probably the test. But Why? The reason is the subjective value we attach to the task – “bad” grades is associated with being “inferior and “stupid”. Hence, for tasks of greater perceived “value”, we personalize failure- we think failing at a task means failing as a person. This cripples our self-esteem, and leads to other mental challenges.
Healthier Alternative
Take failure objectively and don’t personalize it. Remove manufactured societal labels and artificial measure of worth. Recognize that failing at a math test is no different from failing to solve a rubrics cube. In both cases, you didn’t fail as a person; it simply means, you lack the skills to perform the task. Failure is a feedback – we will keep facing similar “failures” until we improve ourselves. Hence, take feedback from failure, extract the lessons and fail forward.
Also, intelligence is diverse and distinct. If you look at 2 kids, I can bet you that they don’t look and behave exactly the same (even twins have differences!). If we understand that, why are we limiting our intelligence and self-worth to academic ability only?
With the same effort, you may not do as well in a specific subject compared to your friend, but you have other abilities that your friend might not be as gifted with. It is impossible for grades to measure the breath and depth of your talents and abilities - grades cannot measure your ability to communicate, to lead, to play music or sports well. And a thousand other things too. So…recognise your worth and never let the words “I am a failure” cross your mouth.
2. The “I need to be liked” mentality
When I was younger, I was often praised for my accomplishments. I yearned it and subtly became defined by it. Are you in a similar position? Where your mood is dependent on the number of likes you get? Or the number of A’s on your report book?
Furthermore, social media may increase our craving for validation. When we post a picture, we keep going back and checking the number of likes, and we feel good about it when it increases. The problem here is that we become addicted to external validation, we need the likes, the affirmation to feel good about ourselves.
This is a dangerous place to be - where you self-worth is largely defined by variables (your results, achievements and other’ opinions) Why? Because variables, well..vary. When I didn’t do well for my ‘A’ levels, and stopped getting the praise i wanted, it triggered an identity crisis, leading to a dip in self-worth and mental issues.
Healthier Alternative:
Define your self-worth on constants, not variables. This topic has fascinated me, and one question I always ask to people with high self-esteem is: What do base/build your worth on? Of course, the answers are diverse, but I identified a very clear trend: Almost all of them mentioned that they have to found things within themselves to be proud of - it could be a trait they have, or a service to others. In other words, they learnt to recognize and appreciate the unique value they have as a human being, and the unique value they can provide to others. This was constant regardless of how the outside circumstances change.
In addition, learn to let go and stop caring too much about what other people think. I’m not saying go on one extreme and just do whatever you want without caring about others. What I’m saying is, don’t do things for the sole purpose of trying to get likes or to impress others - instead be kind and authentic, accept good feedback, but learn when to ignore the unreasonable critics. You don’t need to be well-liked by everyone.
3. The ‘All or nothing’ mentality
This mentality is also known as ‘black and white’ thinking. This refers to thinking in extremes; either I’m a success or a failure, either I’m perfect or don’t bother trying. People with ‘Type A’ personalities (characterized by ambition, competitiveness and need for control) are more prone to this mentality.
This mentality is strongly linked to depression. Why? Because it’s characterized by an obsession with perfection. And perfection is an unrealistic expectation that’ll never be met. You’re setting yourself up for intense mood swings.
Victor Frankl was a psychiatrist during the holocaust. In his landmark book ‘Man’s search for Meaning”, he shared a story of a Prisoner of War that believed he will be liberated by 30th Mar. He was full of hope and belief. Yet, as time passed, liberation appeared unlikely. On 29th Mar, he ran a high temperature. On 30th he became delirious and lost consciousness. On 31st Mar, he was dead. This story is an extreme, but it illustrates how the ‘all or nothing’ mentality, marked by pinning your emotions on a single expectation, can be fatal.
Healthier Alternative:
Don’t interpret the world in ‘black or white’; don’t see perfection and failure as two extremes. As a Type A personality, I struggled (and still do) with this a lot. A quote that helps me tremendously is ‘Strive for all you can, while being grateful for where you are”. Success is a journey and a process, not a destination and a list of achievements.
In our striving, we can acknowledge the present, embrace our imperfection, and let go of the need for full control. Gratitude is a powerful help. Consider creating a gratitude list and add to it daily.
Also, don’t tie your happiness/recovery to a single event. Be optimistic, but take realities into account. While recovering, I unwisely gave myself “milestones” to hit. For e.g ‘I must start studying this date, ‘I must stop medication by this date’, etc. It actually worsened the situation. Why? Because, I grew more anxious when I couldn’t hit them. The key to recovery (as stated earlier) was letting go of perfection rather than “trying to make up for it”.
Striving for Positive Mental Health
In this competitive society, it is not uncommon to develop one or more of these mentalities. Yet, I hope this sharing has raised your self-awareness to make necessary changes. Let’s strive for positive mental health together, and empower others to do the same!
(If any of the mentalities are deep seated and causing distress, consider seeking professional help!)