Why I Wrote This & Disclaimer
Resilience is often portrayed as a relentless conquering, yet it also lies in learning how to take effective beaks. Your body is a system, and systems need resting and ‘servicing’.
Don’t be intimidated by this comprehensive list. Some may work for you, some won’t. Try some in your own time and create your own plan to pause 😊 All the best!
I’ve attached embedded links too, they are in bold.
Our Attraction To Negativity & Reactivity
Imagine yourself in the jungle, 1000 years ago. You are hunting for food with a spear, prancing around, senses heightened. This daily ritual ensures your survival, yet puts it at risk too.
All of a sudden, you hear a growl and see movement behind some bushes, 30m away. Immediately, your limbic brain (part responsible for the stress response) goes into overdrive – adrenaline is secreted, your heart pumps faster, blood flowing to the ends of your body…
You have a choice between 2 conclusions.
1) Thinking there is a tiger when there isn’t one
2) Thinking there is no tiger when there is one.
In this case, let’s assume the conclusion you make will be WRONG.
Read the two statements again, which mistake would you rather make?
Chances are, you picked 1). Why? Because the second one leads to death.
Because of this evolutionary necessity, we are wired to be more sensitive to threat. Fast forward 1000 years, we are no longer surrounded by tigers. However, when faced with a stressor, we REACT in the exact same physiological way as if being chased by tigers. Even though it is not life-threatening.
In other words, we overestimate threats and underestimate opportunities. This is also referred to as the negativity bias – we are more attracted to negativity. This is why negative news sell faster and why K DRAMA (not K Dreams) are popular.
This is a problem – a major barrier to resilience & mental health.
Learn to Respond, Not React: The Power of the Pause
How can we solve it?
The key is to train our mind to respond, and not react.
To react is to get into a cycle of anxiety, stress response, and do the same thing over and over again. To respond is to break the cycle, reset your emotions and think through a different response.
A framework to help you respond is the PTCA model below
This model highlights the steps we take to respond , and one major step we miss out is the PAUSE.
The pause is an intentional break, a habit or anchor one does to stop the stress response. Some refer to it as ‘safe spaces’ where we reset, renew and recharge.
Yet in our fast paced society, coupled with our bias to negativity, such a simple practice of PAUSING is something we are sorely lacking – both in adults and youth.
Takalah’s Story & The Power of the Pause
A quick story to illustrate the power of the pause: Takalah Tan was a commando officer, top student and beat 7000 people to land a place in his dream company. On May 24,1994, a week before he was due to start, he met with a horrific motorcycle accident. He was flung 70m away. He landed on his face, and it shattered. Doctors gave him 0.1% chance of survival. He did survive but had a complete loss of memory, blinded in one of his eyes, and lost his sense of smell.
Yet he rebuilt his life again.
I had the privilege of hosting him on my podcast. I asked him what was one philosophy or mindset that anchors his resilience. Watch this short snippet, it highlights how the PAUSE is crucial in this process:
Click here for an article and here to view the full podcast.
Now that we’re fully aware of the power of the pause, here are 10 suggested ways you may can incorporate the next time you’re about to react:
1. Mindfulness & Meditation
Mindfulness has exploded in recent years, especially with the pandemic. Research shows that mindful practices can indeed significantly reduce stress, improve focus, and allow us to respond to tough situations effectively.
Yet, what is mindfulness? And how can it help you pause?
Watch this short snippet! (Erin Lee is a friend and well-known practitioner in this field. It is her personal vision to help people learn mindfulness skills and incorporate it into their daily lives to improve their well-being)
Mindfulness is the act of detached observation, focusing and discernment. Not being caught up in the worries of the past or the anxieties of the future, but being fully present in the moment.
Another useful analogy is the ‘Monk Mind’ VS the ‘Monkey Mind’. The latter, as the name suggest, swings from place to place, distraction to anxieties, and finds it hard to stay present and focused. The former is less reactive, able to remain calm despite stressors in.
Mindfulness helps us with this.
There are many mindful practices one can do. One example is simply being aware of your 5 senses while doing mundane tasks like brushing your teeth or eating. Another is body scanning.
Meditation is another such practice. Mindfulness are linked and therefore used interchangeably, yet they are distinct. Meditation is just one method to train your mindfulness muscle.
If you’re new to mediation, start with a simple guided one below:
Actionable Tips
Try mindful eating! Notice your senses, the texture and smell of the food, instead of gobbling it down or thinking about something else.
Research other mindful practices you can try (body scanning, grounding, etc)
Try 3mins of mindfulness meditation in the morning or at night before bed.
2. Religion/Spirituality
This is taboo, something we don’t openly talk about. I find this a pity… there is so much we can understand and appreciate about others’ faith, if only we have gracious and mature discussions.
Research does show that religion acts as a protective factor against mental health issues. This could be due to support communities or the solace people can find in a protective higher power.
If you don’t subscribe to a specific religion, having a spiritual anchor could help – there is tremendous power in letting go, in surrender. Or having a constant that one can turn to in times of stress.
Spirituality (spiritual + ability) can be seen as the ability to tap into your spirit – to find strength from a higher purpose or find deeper meaning in your existence. Our spirituality is something we should all spend conscious effort on – regardless of whether it’s tied to religion or not.
You don’t have a soul. You are a soul, you have a body - C.S. Lewis
Actionable Tips
Explore your religion/spirituality and faith. What gives you meaning? Why do you do what you do? What is the purpose of my life? While these are not easy to tackle, taking time so sit with them, write them down and form conclusions will help your spiritual resilience.
Prayer/Meditation does help. So do it in your own way!
Write some mantras down that anchor you, that give you peace/strength in times of stress. This could be verses, scripture, or any phrase you deeply connect with. For myself, a phrase that anchors me is ‘I was born with nothing, and will leave with nothing. There is nothing to lose, and everything to give’. Closing my eyes & chanting it calms me down and relieves the fear of loss/failure
3. Growth Mindset & Equanimity
This is not so much a way to pause, but rather a safeguard against stressors– i.e to ensure you don’t react n the first place.
Let me quote a few lines from a famous poem, ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling
If you dream and not make dreams your master,
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with triumph and disaster,
and treat those two imposters just the same
I love this. It highlights the power of equanimity – the state of being balanced and composed – seeing success and failure as neutral events.
This parallels the famous ‘growth & fixed mindset’.
It highlights how, when we are fixated by results and conditioned into basing our self-esteem on praise/success, we naturally get anxious or discouraged when met with failure or setback. Anything that calls into question our “results” is seen as a threat (triggering a stress response).
As such, to move to equanimity, practice these tips:
Actionable Tips
Be conscious about how you perceive and respond to success and failure. Ideally, see both as imposters - neutral events. It’s ok to celebrate success, but don’t worship or revel it in. Similarly, it’s ok to hurt for a while in failure, but reframe and learn from it.
Shift your speech pattern from ‘This is difficult’ to ‘This is figureoutable’. Anytime you catch your speech pattern being defeatist, reframe it to a point of growth.
Read article here for more tips and deeper understanding of the growth mindset
4. Journalling
Journaling has been proven to help alleviate anxiety and improve introspection. It allows one to ‘clear the mind’ and understand oneself better. The act of writing can be therapeutic and calming for some.
Important considerations:
1) Everyone journals differently, consider some methods below and develop a journal style that works for you.
2) Journaling is not a competition. Don’t feel pressured to stick to schedules or meet expectations. This might reverse the intended effect of journaling.
Actionable Tips
Here are some forms of journaling you can try out/combine:
1) Expressive Journalling. Writing down events, thoughts and feelings without judgement.
2) Reflective Journalling. Write down what happened, why it happened, and specific actions you can take to improve
3) Gratitude Journalling. Write down a couple of events/things in life you are grateful for
4) Inspiration Jouranlling. I coined this term haha! I like to write down things that inspired me today -people, events, insights, or even quotes/videos that I came across that were particularly uplifting. Try it too !
5. Podcasts
Podcasts are AMAZING! They are one of the best way to learn, relate, relax, laugh and even be in inspired! A whole range of emotions can be felt because podcasts allow guests and hosts to go deep into conversation. Listening to others’ experience can give you perspective and comfort, especially if the guests have gone through similar experiences.
For myself, I’ve invited close to 50 guests on my podcast. I can say hands down it is one of the richest experiences of my life. I’ve learnt and felt so much, and I’m forever grateful they are recorded.
Actionables
Think about your passions/areas you’re curious about. Do a simple google search to find out what podcasts are there in that area!
Ask for podcast recommendations from friend! Some of my favourites are: Mindset Mentor & Impact Theory. There are many local podcasts you can look into too!
Of course, do listen to our podcasts on Spotify/Youtube too!
6. Nature/Hiking
Recent fascinating research shows a strong link between grace space and mental health. More vegetation in the neighbourhood = less likely to suffer from mental health afflictions.
There are many possible reasons for it – the fresh air, the exercise, etc. One interesting one is the feeling of awe - in seeing works of nature, we tend to marvel and introspect, and feel blessed by a ‘higher power’. Recently, I spoke to a friend and she remarked how present and calm she feels in nature, as if “the trees are hugging me”. I liked that hahha..I even added “Maybe it’s God himself giving you a hug”. Regardless of whether we believe in God or not, I think we mostly agree that a walk in nature leaves us better off.
Actionables
Hiking can be time-consuming, so if you haven’t do it yet, maybe start with once a month first! You can gather some friends and go!
Research some hidden gems in Singapore! Smart Local has many articles on green spaces and parks you can visit. You’ll be surprised at the variety of wildlife and vegetation you can find!’
Check out some guided tours! This is not sponsored, but SeekSophie is a very cool and affordable option to visit rare places in SG with some guidance.
7. Exercise
Something we all know we need to do, but find it hard. Exercise helps us release endorphins, “happy hormones” that boosts your mood. The mind and body are intimately connected, so exercise is a MAJOR way to pause, relax and energize your mind.
The challenge comes because 1) we don’t find enjoyment in exercise 2) face the initial inertia and don’t see the immediate benefit or 3) we set unrealistic expectations and stop shortly after
Actionables
To combat the above issues
Find exercises that involve others. With covid, it is a bit harder. But certain activities like badminton, running, group workouts are still allowed. Doing it with others increases fun and gives you an accountability partner
We often want to feel motivated to start, yet motivation doesn’t always last. While feeling can cause action, action can also cause feeling. What helps me is counting down to 5 and just willing myself to take the first step out. Almost 100% of the time, I feel better afterwards and thank myself for doing it.
Set an exercise plan for the week, but be realistic. If youre not exercising at all, start with twice a week for 30m first. The key is to built a habit, rather than set unrealistic goals, fail to hit them and be demotivated.
8. Music
I must admit, I’m not a big music consumer. I’ve never had the habit of listening to music frequently and I prefer to work/exercise without it.
However, there are quiet moments of reflection/pain where I turn on a track and allow myself to feel (namely Coldplay stuff XD). On these occasions, music hits a note in my heart where nothing else can.
There’s even something called music therapy – it takes place in a variety of forms. If you’re keen to go deeper into it, save this video to watch another time. It’s organized by Beyond the Label – a local national campaign by NCSS. A local artist Marcus sings an amazing song he wrote for World Mental Health Day and discusses about using musical lyrics for reflection and healing.
Actionables
Create a Spotify playlist that calms you down. This list may change over time, but it serves as an anchor for you to go back too in time of need.
Search existing playlists. You may discover a less mainstream song you really relate and connect deeply with it
9. The Power of Breath
This is the most underrated yet most easily applied method in this list. Your breath is powerful – it controls so much more than we imagine.
A remarkable example is the “Iceman” Wim Hof. Crippled with hurt from his wife’s suicide, he discovered the “righteousness of the cold” and taught himself to control his immune system through his breath. He got scientists to study him – to inject bacteria into his body and compare responses against a control. He proved that he can access part of the mind to control the immune system – where scientists previously thought was impossible
I doubt we will get to that level. But, by using the breathing techniques below, we can activate our rest and recovery system and defuse our reactive stress response.
Actionables (click to watch tutorials)
-Box Breathing. Navy seals use this to calm themselves.
-1 to 2 Breathing. Breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth in double the time. Personally, I use this the most. It is one the fastest way to calm yourself and stop you stress responses from getting out of hand.
10. Entertainment (Gaming, Netflix, Youtube, Watching Movies, etc)
Finally, the one most of you probably already do. Entertainment can be a good break for your mind.
However, we MUST be very careful with this one. Why? Because it could turn into escapism or a term called languishing. Lauguishing refers to passive disassociations from the real world, where we might scroll through social or consume endless content, yet feel empty and lethargic after. In this case, entertainment may become a way to escape from problems.
‘Safe Spaces’ are good, but they are not places to hide. They are places to rest, recharge and eventually go out and engage with life. So if the above sounds familiar, here are some ways to help
Actionables
Set limits on entertainment. For myself, I try to carve out a ‘social break’, where I post/reply/scroll on my socials. However, outside that period, I put my phone away and strictly don’t use it. Similarly, if you use your phone during study breaks, set a timing or only do it after youre done, or you could get into a state of languish and endless scrolls.
Try other ways of pausing above! If you find yourself relying too heavily on entertainment, switching to some methods above could give you a more meaningful pause.
Conclusion
Hope you appreciated this article and tips! Do share it with friends whom can benefit.
The ability to pause and respond is a cornerstone of resilience, and I’m so glad to share this knowledge with all of you.
All the best and Stay Resilient!
Rebound with Resilience is a social enterprise specializing in building resilience, mental wellness and enabling peer support culture and skills. We also work with people with disabilities, giving them opportunities to speak in schools and inspire youth with their stories of resilience. Since inception, we have worked with over 40 schools and organizations and served over 10,000+ participants. Drop us an enquiry into our talks/programmes anytime!